Culture

Alternative Sports

Rush Limbaugh
Rush Limbaugh
Rush Hudson Limbaugh III; born January 12, 1951, is an American radio talk show host, conservative political commentator, and an opinion leader in American conservatism. | Photo: EIB Network | Rush Limbaugh, Ditto, Conservative, Radio, Extreme, Leather,

The Point Your Finger of Blame Marathon

We need alternative sports.
Don't you get tired of the same old sports? A guy throws a sphere covered with cowhide and a guy with a piece of wood tries to hit it. If he hits it, another guy tries to pick up the sphere and throw it to another guy before the guy who had the piece of wood can drop the piece of wood and run across a pad fixed on the ground.
In other words, baseball.
Or, a bunch of mostly African American men grown huge from ingesting steroids try to run with a piece of cowhide over a chalk line drawn on the grass. Sometimes they throw the cowhide to each other as they run along. Football.
In tennis, a couple of guys in cute shorts hit a fluffy felt-covered ball made of rubber over a net, again and again, back and forth, until one of them can't.
In golf, sometimes out-of-shape Caucasian guys dressed to the nines in fashionable expensive attire hit a little white globe closer and closer toward a hole in the grass with a pole sticking out of it.
This has been going on for a hundred years.
We need new sports for new realities.
The Iron Man Competition is the key. In this event, a group of mostly white guys aged thirty-five who have boring jobs and macho fantasies including a large number of orthodontists and lawyers prove they're equally mediocre in a variety of sports. They swim, they run, they bike. They don't make much money, and nobody believes they're made of iron.
But at least it's different.
Here are some future possibilities:
The "Iron Idol Contest." Some puky looking guy who will never come close to replacing Dean Martin and who sings really bad in a televised amateur talent show and who looks dorky, after slaughtering a song, gets on a bike and rides out of the studio followed by other contestants. The winner, judged the worst singer, will get to ride his bike in a Super Bowl TV Commercial while singing badly.
The "Survivor Iron Woman Meet." A group of women trying to act tough have to eat worms on an island, then slug it out with each other using coconuts. The winner gets to achieve three minutes of fame by going on the radio and shouting at Rush Limbaugh.
The "I'm a Right Wing Fanatic Cross Country Swim." Contestants swim through shark infested waters and test prior claims they know and are emissaries of God. The winner, the one who emerges from the water un-chewed, gets to claim he knows God and make statements linking God to the right to own guns.
The "Poor Little Rich Girl Incident and Jail Time." A group of randomly selected movie starlet airheads cause trouble of their choice, drunkenly driving cars, assaulting reporters, getting busted for drugs, in an effort to gain career traction by causing trouble just like Lindsay Lohan does. The finalists wind up in jail and are awarded points for arguing persuasively that they were given a raw deal despite their millions of income and armies of lawyers, and also for promises to take the most rehab (extra points awarded for whining and blaming society or your parents). The winner gets a movie deal, a planned government-sponsored operatic musical about the killing of bin Laden.
The "Cringing Liberal Limbo Stick, and Following Marathon." A group of busy bodies and do-gooders compete to see who can stoop the lowest to slither under a label of "Liberal" painted on a horizontal stick, then walk at a brisk step behind an alleged conservative for an endless time, all the while whining and complaining they tried to seek consensus. Extra points will be awarded for crying that like the Iraq War, had they known the real truth, they would never have gone along with it.
The "Right Wing Obstruct America Partisan." This involves conservatives accusing everyone of treachery who disagree with them on subjects like God, guns, wars, abortion and immigration. Points awarded to the conservative who unfailingly hopes the president fails and wishes bad things to happen to the country and its people so he stands a better chance of getting elected next election. Extra points awarded for refusal to compromise in any way so that any forward movement or anything even semi-positive can take place.
And finally the "Point Your Finger of Blame" Marathon, in which politicians who refuse to work for the good of the American people blame the opposition party, while simultaneously stripping the American people of their rights though the Patriot Act, pursuing endless Mideast unwinnable wars that bankrupt the country, and occupying the rest of the world like a modern Roman Empire. Extra points awarded for blatant acts of hypocrisy, for example, claiming to be a patriot, claiming God favors your party, or writing one of those common, self-written with the help of a ghostwriter who writes intelligent sentences for you autobiographical books in which you claim that destiny and God chose you to be God's gift to the world.
The winner will be picked on their sheer amount of bullsh.'t.

Comment on Disqus

Comment on Facebook

Updated Apr 22, 2017 7:34 AM EDT | More details

AND Magazine AND MAGAZINE

©2017 AND Magazine, LLC
5 Columbus Circle, 8th Floor
New York, New York 10019 USA

This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed without express written permission from AND Magazine corporate offices. All rights reserved.