Ultra-Conservative Manual

Sleep with your Gun or Mount it as a Religious Altar

This 13-part primer will show you in easy steps how you too can become the kind of ultra-conservative you have always wanted to be, rigid, dogmatic, demagogic.
In other words, a real patriot.
1. Wrap yourself in the flag. Take an American flag and wrap it around yourself. Repeat the process until you begin to feel yourself growing in stature. You feel powerful, more so than others who disagree with your world point of view. Pose for a photo with the flag wrapped around you. This will establish you for all time as a true patriot. Remember, God shed his grace on thee'that means you, and not some lousy Frenchman. The song "God Bless America" (and nobody else) after all was written by a Russian Jewish immigrant, so it's no secret he meant you when he wrote that. Always use the flag as a prop to prove that only your viewpoint represents true American values.
2. Make veiled threats against any liberal communistic politician who wants you to turn in your fully automatic assault weapon. It is at this point that you can claim that God intended you to have an assault rifle. You must believe that God looks like Charlton Heston or John Wayne holding a rifle in their hand. You will now memorize the gun nut craze oath, and say it slowly for greater impact, like the impact of a bullet. "My gun is who I am. My gun is who I am."
3. Never serve in war. As a true conservative, you love war, you never saw a war you didn't love. You complain endlessly about liberal conspiracies and government liberal waste, for example, the TV show Big Bird on PBS (Public Broadcast Service), a liberal conspiracy run for African Americans (you have a harsher word for them). You complain about waste and big government, but never fail to support war'''the biggest big government program of them all. And nation building that costs billions more than all the social programs you despise put together. You don't despise all big government programs. You're not against Social Security because you intend to collect it yourself.
4. Never, never, never, I repeat never serve in the military, even though all you talk about is guns, force, cops, soldiers and the need for them. Remember, the idea is to attack the patriotism of others without getting your hands dirty. Like many conservative pundits you're on the tubby side (too much invective and too little exercise). You'll lose too much weight lugging a rocket launcher around on a front line and you might learn that war isn't fun. We don't want that.
5. Denigrate women and black people, but act like you don't. It's okay to call somebody a racist epithet, or mindlessly say that God intended women to be raped. If someone complains, tell them you've supported a black token political candidate who is to the right of Heinrich Himmler and who recently went on a conservative talk show and said he would like to see blacks once again forced to sit on the back of a bus, and when asked about the Civil Rights Movement, responded, "What's that?"
6. Practice until it becomes second nature the philosophy that you know the cost of everything, and the value of nothing. This is the conservative's type of Zen. Repeat it slowly as though reciting a rosary, "giveaway programs bad, war good, family services bad, Patriot Act good, sexual education bad, corporate elites carving up the world good. Come up with new ones reflecting this world viewpoint.
7. Continue trying to prove Obama was born in Kenya.
8. Use every opportunity to act like white America is the only real America (related to #1 above). You do this by making statements like, "only in America," or, "Americans are the greatest people," or, "America is number one" in much the same way as you would root for a favored football team. The intent here is not only to establish that God is on your side, but also that you yourself are better than other people, especially foreigners and immigrant foreigners.
9. Memorize as though holy grails, passages from extremist nut-case books that only portray what are taken to be liberal conspiracies and not for example secret meetings of the World Bank to plot the carving up of power and natural resources into the hands of world exploiting elites. Books like "Domestic Enemies," "Enemies Foreign and Domestic," "Foreign Enemies and Traitors." Most of these books attack people whose skin color is darker than yours. Read or even just look at the pictures if you're mentally challenged. Feel superior.
10. If you ever get in trouble for being blatantly biased and racist, blame the media.
11. Sleep with your gun or mount it as a religious altar.
12. Never find fault with a conservative politician even if it's proven they lie, cheat, steal. Never, but never. That just makes the electing of conservatives that much harder. Even if a conservative politician goes down to the local hardware store, holds it up at gunpoint, rapes three women and burns half the town down, turn a blind eye. Only criticize Democrats and liberals. This usually takes the form of hoping the Democrat president fails and people lose their jobs and the country suffers and bad things happen so we can take advantage of it and get conservatives elected. In other words, if a Democrat is in office, hope for the worst.
13. Guess.

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Updated May 22, 2018 1:43 AM UTC | More details


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