Paula Cooks Up Some Hate
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Her new cookbook "Recipes for White Folks Only" hits the shelves on July 3rd.
Cooking maven Deen uses 'N' word more than butter.
Paula Deen was incensed after The Food Network notified her today that her contract would not be renewed. This, according to me, your humble correspondent and well-known Heeb.
Pacing about her Savannah, Georgia mansion with a bottle of Jim Beam dangling from her hand, and dressed in a bacon-scented housecoat and pig-faced slippers, the famed chef who built an empire teaching Americans how to cook foods that cause clogged arteries and massive heart attacks seemed shocked by the news of her dismissal.
"Ya know," she slurred in between swigs, "it really ain't the nigg**rs I blame. Hell, I like most of them coloreds. Ya know who I blame? The f***ing Jews. I've been getting complaints from them big noses ever since my show first aired. Why the f**k do they get so sensitive? Because I mix meat and milk together? Because they can't eat my delicious 'Buttered Pork Butt and Velveeta Surprise'? I tell you, it's a Zionist conspiracy."
Deen's troubles began last month when a former employee Lisa Jackson filed papers in court accusing Deen and her brother Earl "Bubba" Hiers of racial and sexual discrimination.
"Bubba has never ever used the 'N' word in public," Deen said, her voice swelling with anger. "Jigaboo? Maybe... 'Spearchucker,' sure a few times, but that's the way we was brought up. We don't mean no nevermind when we use words like that. It's like calling a dago a 'wop.' As for those charges of sexual discrimination, all I can say is Bubba sure likes women and titties. And that's all I'm-a gonna say."
The timing of these racist allegations could not be worse for Paula Deen. Her new cookbook "Recipes for White Folks Only" hits the shelves on July 3rd, and her upcoming Food Network Show "Paula's Pickaninny Plantation" was scheduled to begin production in late August.
Paula, drunk and dismayed, nevertheless, seemed relieved that the scandal was nearing its end. "Ya know, the reason I cancelled out on Matt Laurer wasn't because I was afraid to answer some tough questions. No sir. The problem was all about scheduling. My assistant told me the night before I was to fly to New York for 'The Today Show' that I was already booked to speak to a group of Aryan Nations folks about my love of German cooking. That's why I brought some of my famous 'Eva Brownies' to the event."
Paula paused, then leaned into me and whispered, "Ya know, nothin' says lovin' like Jews in an ov---." She stopped suddenly, then giggled sheepishly.
"Lebovits. That's a Jew name, ain't it?"
Phil Lebovits, Political Satirist: 2016 is going to be the most interesting political year since 1876, maybe even better than Tilden v. Hayes. I can't wait to dump on Trump, kick Bush in the tush, shout boos at Cruz and f**k with Huck...abee. Here's to a wonderful year of witty prose, satirical musings and good pie. Cheers! P.S. Tilden was robbed! (more...)