Pharaoh to Lead Egypt
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The reports I've been getting from NBC's Richard Engel are very disturbing...
Ramesses II will form interim government to end crisis.
Speaking from his plush room at Cairo's Egyptian Museum, the Pharaoh best known for his massive pyramid projects, a peace treaty with the Hittites, and Disney's "The Prince of Egypt," rubbed his eye sockets as he spoke.
"The reports I've been getting from NBC's Richard Engel are very disturbing," he quietly intoned, his voice hoarse from many years of being dead. "I didn't work my ass off during those three Syrian campaigns to see my beloved Egypt fall to pieces. This Prince Morsi I hear so much about must relinquish power or be torn apart by racing chariots."
The Great Pharaoh rose and stretched his bony, skeleton arms, one of which fell off and landed with a thud. "General Fattah al-Sisi texted me this morning..." He paused for a moment. "Isn't it funny? Ever since I got this iPhone, I don't really talk to anybody anymore, I just text. Anyway, the General asked me to head up an interim government that could stabilize the nation while we prepare for something called 'elections.' I was flattered, of course, but really -- nothing can be accomplished until we solve the frog, locust, and blood-in-the-Nile problems."
Ramesses II, who now prefers being called by his crypt name "Ram Tough," slowly paced about the room until his left knee popped off. Now lying on the floor, Ram Tough talked about his vision for a new Egypt.
"By the powers of Ra, Osiris and Omar Sharif, I can lead Egypt back to its former greatness," his voice rising in anger. "During my reign, there was a can-do spirit that was the envy of the entire world. Actually, it was more of a must-do spirit, because what I said goes. All that's needed now is that same kind of esprit de corps, plus one million Israelite and Nubian slaves, and you will see an ascendant Egypt, an Egypt on the rise."
The Great Leader sat up slowly as one vertebra cracked in half. "You mind?", he asked as he reached into his pelvis for a pack of cigarettes. "After all these years, you think I could've quit. I did try the patch once, but it just wouldn't stick anywhere."
Taking a long drag on his Marlboro Light, Ram Tough seemed strangely sanguine about the new challenges facing him. "It's like the entire country woke up one day, looked around, and cried out for its mummy."
The Great Pharaoh, Lord of the Two Lands, burst into laughter. Then his ribcage shattered.
Phil Lebovits, Political Satirist: 2016 is going to be the most interesting political year since 1876, maybe even better than Tilden v. Hayes. I can't wait to dump on Trump, kick Bush in the tush, shout boos at Cruz and f**k with Huck...abee. Here's to a wonderful year of witty prose, satirical musings and good pie. Cheers! P.S. Tilden was robbed! (more...)