I want to wake up in a city that doesn't sleep
And find the king of the hill is a big creep...
Oh, New York, New York. So nice, they named it twice. So sweet, you can show your meat.
With the recent announcement that he's throwing his fedora into the ring, former New York Governor and pay-for-whoopee client Eliot Spitzer joins former NYC Congressman Anthony "The Package" Weiner in the contest to win over the hearts and groins of a forgiving NYC electorate.
(For satirists, it's an early Christmas -- "On Dasher, on Dancer, on Spitzer, on Weiner!")
Although Mayoral candidate Weiner and Comptroller-hopeful Spitzer will not be running together, the pundits (that would be me) already are having a field day coming up with campaign slogans such as:
Weiner/Spitzer. Tighty Whities, Naughty Nighties.
Weiner/Spitzer. Tip-of-a-Jew and Thai Girls Too.
Weiner/Spitzer. Where's the Beef? HERE'S Your Friggin' Beef!
But are we really surprised? Redeeming oneself these days is easier than redeeming grocery coupons. Sure, some sexual antics are off-limits. But if you're not a priest or former Senator John Edwards, the public will eventually embrace you again.
In some ways, Americans are becoming like Europeans, except Europeans are still way cooler and have nicer shoes. Maybe it's because sex scandals are as commonplace these days as Kardashians. You can't turn on the news without seeing some Congressman asking for forgiveness because he had "unwanted" sex with a cheerleading squad or some Senator begging for understanding because he just raped his Golden Retriever.
The "Shame Barometer" just doesn't exist anymore and nobody, save Elisabeth Hasselbeck, is capable of being shocked... except when it comes to raping Golden Retrievers.
In fact, a new study out of Princeton University that I just made up shows that our innate "Forgiveness Factor" has a built-in timing mechanism. The study's author, the very real sounding Dr. Narls Gleep, claims that he can predict, within one month, when a public figure will be forgiven for a given sexual or social impropriety.
To illustrate, here is a handy-dandy chart straight from Dr. Gleep's study:
- CHEATING ON WIFE: 1 year, 3 months.
- HAVING FORCED SEX WITH INTERN: 2 years, 6 months.
- CHEATING ON WIFE, THEN HAVING FORCED SEX WITH INTERN: 2 weeks.
- DISPLAYING ERECT PENIS ON SOCIAL MEDIA ("The Weiner Conundrum"): 3 days.
- USING THE 'N' WORD AND TOO MUCH BUTTER: 12 years.
We are indeed a kindhearted nation of Second-Chancers. Following Weiner's lead, how far behind are Arnold Schwarzenegger or former Senator Larry "Spread 'Em Wide" Craig from this rodeo of redemption?
Who knows? Maybe one day, we'll even forgive Milli Vanilli.