The Left

Texas Bans "Lady Parts"

Abortion Protest
Abortion Protest
Protesting the right-wing's perceived attempts to apply beliefs stemming from religion to politics and women's rights. | Pro-choice, Religion, Politics,

Anti-abortion Republicans kick it into high gear.

Emboldened by their victory last week in severely limiting access to abortion services, Texas Republicans are now writing legislation that, if passed, would make owning a vagina a misdemeanor.

Texas House Bill 3257 mandates that "any Texas citizen who knowingly possesses genitals that could be used during an abortion procedure shall be subject to fines and up to 15 days of incarceration."

The so-called "Lady Parts Preemption Act" has broad support in the House. Rep. Bill Doodley (R-Arlington), co-author of the bill, claims that "this bill is necessary to save the lives of the unborn. Let's remember that abortions can only be done through a lady's' yabba-dabba. Take away the foo-foo, and the procedure cannot be performed."

Chiming in with her support was Rep. Debbie Glug (R-Amarillo). "Being a woman is difficult. But what makes our lives even tougher is having to walk around all day with our stinky pinks. If this bill can save even one precious embryo, then I am more than happy to dispose of my juice box."

Feminist organizations around the country were quick to respond. "Texas has gone off the rails with this one," chided Harriet Shlump, president of Women with Bearded Oysters (WWBO). "It's a slippery slope when you make a woman's meat curtains illegal. What's next, our golden gazongas?"

Even more bellicose was Audrey Philpot, chairwoman of the non-profit Penis Flytrap Project (PFP). "This Texas bill is not only an assault on every woman's Miss Tinkiewinks, it's an assault against our very existence. Along with our battle cry -- "Keep your rosaries off our ovaries!" -- we will now add to that a boisterous chorus of "Keep your mittens off our fuzzy kittens!"

Rep. Doodley seemed unmoved by all the hubbub his bill was causing. "Let the Lefties and the Feminazis have their say, but it will not change my views on the matter of punani possession. Besides, the punishment only kicks in if the woman refuses to relinquish her soft-shell tuna taco within 30 days of being cited. There's some give and take here, y'all."

Rep. Glug nodded in agreement. "Listen, I'm a mother of three. There are few people here in this legislature who know more than I do about the issues surrounding our pound cakes. What many women forget is that it's not all about them. Men will be impacted too. You show me a man with a raging gristle missile and I'll show you a man who needs to be put in his place. And that place will no longer be Mr. Happy's Flappy Garage."

A vote is expected next week.

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Updated May 10, 2017 12:29 PM EDT | More details

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