"It's not the heat, it's the humidity."
No, it's the heat.
This week, residents of the Midwest and East Coast suffered through record-breaking temperatures and stifling humidity. It was so hot in Boston on Friday that Red Sox fans gathering near Fenway Park hadn't the energy to beat up a tourist wearing a Yankees cap. It was so hot in NYC that Mayor Bloomberg advised citizens to drink 128 oz. Big Gulps. It was so hot in Sanford, FL that George Zimmerman came out of hiding, saw a black kid eating Skittles, and didn't even kill him.
Thankfully, the forward-thinking GOP may have an answer for this oppressive heat.
Gathered on the steaming steps of the Capitol, steps where one could fry an egg if one enjoyed eating an egg cooked on cement, a phalanx of Republican Senators led by radical climate change denier James Inhofe (R-Idiot) announced a new initiative that could cool things down. The measure would mandate that the U.S. Weather Service report temperatures in Celsius rather than Fahrenheit.
"Listen, nobody wants to adopt European standards," said Inhofe as he mopped torrents of sweat from his brow. "I was always opposed to changing over to the metric system, but when it comes to dealing with this 'naturally-occuring heat phenomenon,' something must be done. I believe the Celsius scale will make these dangerous heat waves a thing of the past."
Standing before a large graph drawn in crayon, Senator John Cornyn (R-Moron) illustrated how the changeover would work. "As you can see from this chart, if it's 110 degrees Fahrenheit in Houston, it's only 43 degrees in Celsius," Cornyn stated as the plastic pointer he was using began to melt. "The psychological benefit of reducing the temperature by 67 degrees cannot be overstated. Why, just looking at this chart makes me want to put on a sweater!"
Inhofe added, "As you all know, I believe with all my heart... and with 3-million dollars of contributions from the oil industry... that climate change is a hoax. The only way to fight a hoax is with another hoax. Hence, this bill."
Senator Ron Johnson (R-Cheese) chimed in. "As you know, this Celsius thing will create quite an advantage for my beloved Packers in December. What would be 32 degrees in Green Bay will now be an intimidating 0 degrees. Take that, you Atlanta Falcons!"
As he spoke, Senators Orrin Hatch (R-Old) and Deb Fischer (R-Skirt) both collapsed on the steps of the Capitol.
"They'll be fine," chirped Inhofe as frantic aides called for help. "We have a cool room we can take them to. And by cool, I mean 20 degrees Celsius."