Our 10 Favorite Dictators
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All you have to do to stay in the good graces of the U.S. is to copy it.
We love dictators. We reward them.
This only makes sense in America, the land of the less free, and the not as brave, if brave means we're braver than other people. America is transitioning into a Conglomerate Corporate Empire. You think this label extreme? You have some say in about 5 percent of how your money is spent nationally, from the launching of wars, to the budget and goals of NASA.
Is this a Republic?
You elect alleged leaders to represent you because the Founders decided a straight vote from you, in their patrician minds an uneducated slob and member of the rabble, would only result in anarchy. These so-called representatives recently voted to continue spying on your phone, a secret program only arriving at your knowledge because a disgruntled bureaucrat who was part of the Orwell Fahrenheit 451-like system spilled the beans.
Is this a democracy?
Let's get back to dictators. We love dictators. We reward them.
Dictators who run police states often label their countries with nice sounding words like "People's Republic of Whatever," or "People's Democratic Republic," or "United Kingdom of This or That," even though the countries in question are neither united, democratic nor republics. The dictators of these countries know that if they call their country what it really is, for example, the "Disunited, Fragmented, Police State Torture Dungeon of Injustice and Genocide," they perhaps won't look as good or get American aid for their crimes.
But dictators have changed lately. Fewer of them these days wear military uniforms with fake medals and sunglasses. Instead, they have opted to wear suits and ties when they appear on a balcony before the masses no doubt as a result of the Americanization of the world. The wives of dictators have also gotten the message and pose more hip, wearing glamorous mini skirts or slinky silk see-through gowns instead of the laughable crude 1930s-style dresses and clumsy Norman Bates' mother shoe clogs they used to wear.
To receive American aid to help you suppress your own people and to commit atrocities against them, you need to look reasonable on the surface. Here are 10 dictators (minus Saddam) that America loves.
Vlad Putin ' This guy has the same first name as the real Count Dracula, Vlad the Impaler, and he looks just about as cold as artist representation of the older Vlad, or the math teacher you hated in high school. He also looks like a troll in a suit and tie without the bridge he used to live under. It's nice to know that the leader of the biggest country in the world and one in which we all hope for a brighter and free-er future is being led by a man who once dripped hot candle wax on the genitals of randomly selected and falsely accused malefactors at Lubyanka Prison. The exact extent of support we give Putin as a bribe for good will is unknown to you and me, but it must be substantial given all the other secret programs our government is pursuing in your name without your knowledge.
Paul Biya of Cameroon ' This guy like I said calls himself seemingly reasonably a president and poses in a suit and tie looking friendly, even though he stages mocked rigged elections and throws wild hot tub parties in Switzerland where he likes to chase women with the American aid money we give him without your consent. He hired several ex-U.S. Congressmen to serve as election monitors with your money and to certify his guaranteed reelection as free and fair. In this election, his aunt, wearing a fake beard, voted 371 times under different names.
Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow of Turkmenistan ' Also has the gall to call himself an elected "President," instead of "Fascist U.S. Puppet," after winning an election with a 98 percent ratio. The other two percent have disappeared and have not been seen since. He has a name so long I will refer to him as Gurby. Gurby's tactic (he also wears a suit and tie) is to seem to refuse elaborate gifts hoping it will make him look decent and humble. Approximately $351 million of your money has gone to Gurby and his friends, again without your consent. It is rumored some of this money was used to purchase a Soviet-made "Zil" luxury sedan car with a vibrating rear seat cushion for dates with important women. Gurby credits his Leon Panetta-like success to parental upbringing and talking to God.
Teodoro Nguema Mbasogo of Equatorial Guinea ' Should the U.S. give millions in aid without your consent to a country that is named after a small furry pet rodent (Guinea pig)? Under Ted's rule, people have been slaughtered, tortured, kidnapped, had their testicles crushed with pliers or made to stand on their heads in solitary confinement in buckets of their own excrement. C'mon! Nobody's perfect. He loves to play in vast mountains of his U.S. money and once deposited some of it in a Washington D.C. bank. He refers to himself as "EL jefe" (The Boss) and has photos of himself printed on tee shirts. If he was truthful he would label himself instead "The Slime."
Idriss Deby of Chad ' This country, voted by Forbes Magazine as one of the "10 Most Corrupt" in the world, is either named after the late B-grade actor Chad Everett, or a Florida voting booth stub that helped elect war criminal George W. Bush president. Bush was also a good friend of one of the dictators mentioned here. Idriss has fought a civil war against rebels using American aid money without your okay and also World Bank funding including money given to prevent famine, but spent instead on sophisticated attack helicopters and weaponry so Idriss can remain in power.
Islam Karimov of Uzbekistan ' It's fitting and ironic that the U.S. supports with your money a guy named Islam. The United Nations found that Uzbekistan had committed "torture institutionalized and rampant." Islam also massacred protestors against his rule. Islam, who now describes torture instead as "enhanced interrogation," has followed the lead of America on the use of this term, and Islam understands what all the other dictators here do---- all you have to do to stay in the good graces of the United States is to copy it. Your mis-representatives in Congress took $10 billion of you money and gave it to Islam. When he isn't torturing and killing dissenters, he is busy blocking offending websites who don't agree with his chicanery and media broadcasts, or out at a posh restaurant in France on a vacation dining with his daughter, who reportedly runs a nonprofit for disabled children.
Meles Zenawi of Ethiopia ' I'm getting depressed writing these so I'll make them shorter. This guy is guilty of crimes similar to those mentioned above and he was runner-up as ugliest dictator in the world because he looked like a toad (he died in 2012). There should be a rule that nobody this ugly is allowed to be leader of a country. The toad raked in over $200 million of your money while your kid's band class at school was recently cut because of budget constraints.
King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia ' Enough has already been said about him, the leader of a corrupt clan of sultans.
Xi Jinping of China ' President of the People's Republic of China, even though Xi is not a fairly elected president, and China is not a "People's Republic," but in reality a "Corporate quasi-Capitalist Fascist Police State," and a prot?g?e of the United States. The relationship between the U.S. and Xi is that of Dr. Frankenstein and the big boy with the knobs on his neck.
Kim Jong-il of North Korea ' Wait a minute! Didn't Kim threaten to "settle scores with the U.S.," to launch a missile with an atomic warhead, the Sacramento Rocket, on the West Coast, unless like former test missiles it goes haywire and accidentally falls on Japan? Isn't he an enemy of the U.S.? Not the way we promise bribes in aid and food if he will just behave. Kim is the ugliest dictator in the world who could only excite you if you're turned on by the Pillsbury Doughboy. He does have an attractive wife.
Kim has a scam that works. He threatens war he really doesn't want to make North Korea look tough and to get concessions, like a spoiled child screams for attention. Like with all our other friendly dictators, we're only to willing to provide it.
John Sammon, : John Sammon is a writer whose experience includes newspaper reporting, magazine writing, personality profiles, interviews, celebrity interviews (Clint Eastwood), historical pieces, investigative and crime. He was selected “Most Valuable Reporter” for California’s oldest continually operating newspaper, and covered the weekend crime beat for a daily newspaper in Nevada. If you beat your wife on Friday, he wrote about it and got you in deep trouble on Saturday. He covered business,... (more...)