State Senator pushes anglification of California cities.
Do you know the way to San Jose? Not if one California State Senator has his say.
While House Republicans twiddle their thumbs this summer and Anthony Weiner twiddles something that's not a thumb, State Senator Vic Bleen (R-Barstow) is taking immigration matters into his own hands. And it all starts with some of the Golden State's most popular cities.
California's rich history of the missions is reflected in such place names as Los Angeles, Santa Barbara and Sacramento. But Bleen intends to change all that with a bill he has just introduced into committee. He contends that such lyrical names as Santa Monica and Santa Rosa entice Mexicans to cross illegally over the border. Anglicizing these names could be a quick fix.
"If I was Mexican," says Bleen, I would think twice before entering this country if San Diego was no longer San Diego, but a city called 'Gunther.' When you look around California, almost every major city has a Spanish name. No wonder they're coming over here. It sounds just like home."
If Bleen's bill becomes law, you will no longer leave your heart in San Francisco. Instead, you would leave it in 'Groinville.' Randy Newman's anthemic "I Love LA" would become "I Love Smegma."
Esmeralda: What is your name?
Esmeralda: What does it mean?
Butch: I'm American, honey. Our names don't mean shit.
(Pulp Fiction, 1994)
"Bad-sounding names can be a real disincentive when choosing a place to live," offers UCLA Professor of Linguistics Sheldon Probe. "That's why very few people, including immigrants, move to such towns as Boise, Detroit or Vomit Junction."
Bleen readily agrees. "A rose by any other name would smell just as sweet, unless the new name is 'Hortense,' he chortles. "I know my critics believe this legislation will kill tourism, but I think people will embrace our new names. They just sound more American. Watch out, San Antonio! The Smegma Lakers just walloped your Spurs!"
Democratic State Senator Agnes Durp (D-San Luis Obispo) could not disagree more. "My constituents are outraged by Senator Bleen's proposal. We love the name of our city, especially the 'San Luis' part. There's not a chance in hell, as the Senator proposes, that we will ever become Stinky Gulch!"
Bleen is unshaken by the mounting criticism. "Change can be difficult for some, but this kind of change will not only save taxpayers a great deal of money, it will also create thousands of jobs in the printing and sign-making industries. It's really a win-win for California."
He pauses, then smiles mischievously. "California. Yeah, we better start thinking about that name too. How about "Doucheland, here we come!"