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Fems and Parallel Parking

Woman in car
Woman in car
A woman driving a vintage car. | Photo: | Car, Woman, Glasses, Mirror, Driving, Parking,

Why Many Women Can't and Why it Actually Means Something

One fine day I parked my car on the street and in front of the car in front of me, I spy one of those large macho pickup-trucks with the gargantuan wheels trying to parallel park. Seeing it from the back I assume a guy is driving it, (testosterone you know), but pretty soon, I know it's a woman. Back and forth and back and forth she goes, sometimes she rams up over the curb, then she corrects that, doesn't cut it as sharply and winds up still in the street. After about 5 minutes, I think about going up and offering to help her park it but, I am a stranger after all.

Another 5 minutes and it is simply impossible for her to gauge the correct distances involved. She finally deposit's the truck on the other side when a large spot opens up. And by the way, I've seen this dozens of times in my life. A lot of times I've eventually seen the woman just leave it about 2 feet from the curb in front and 4 feet from the curb in back and just stomp off. Oh, yeah baby, I've seen it.

Before making any of my brilliant observations here, let me cover some of the usual politically correct baloney and the otherwise trite comments that might presumably be proffered. First, yes, yes, some women are very good at parallel parking and some men stink at it. There are of course exceptions to every stereotype, but that does not invalidate the stereotype. The exceptions are in fact just that, exceptions, said stereotype holds when there is a preponderance of evidence. When it comes to parallel parking men are simply superior. Period. The more cardinal question point might be okay so what, who cares? Ah, but I think there is a reason it actually does matter, and here's why.

[See also: Bad parking photo blog]
When I was in my 20's, I took an I.Q. examination. These exams cover different types of intelligence, I think there are about nine. Areas like language, memory, mathematics, spatial intelligence (the ability to visualize and judge areas and distances) among others, are analyzed.

Well, in spatial recognition, my ability was essentially off the charts. What this means is that my ability to conceptualize and judge distances and areas is extremely acute. Okay, okay, I can still hear you asking, so freaking what? Who cares? I read all this way so you could brag about yourself? Just hold on a little bit more.

If I am really so fabulous in spatial ability how do I do when I attempt to parallel park? Exactly as the I.Q test would opine. In 10 attempts to parallel park, in all 10 I will only need to make one pass at it and bang, there I am neatly parked within a few inches of the curb, five seconds tops.

You see (here comes the big quote), in case you didn't know it, men and women are different. And no, I don't mean just their pee-pees. Men and women's brains, their bodies, their psychological makeup's, their emotions, their cognitive abilities are all wired differently. We are not interchangeable, we are not equal, in fact, the entire notion of equality is laughably na?ve, and you wouldn't want to be laughably na?ve would you?

Bad parking
Bad parking

Bad parking is all around us. Pure evil. | Photo: Badparking.us | Link | Bad Parking, Car, Accident, Ticket, Police, Driver,

Oh but I know you've heard the "equal" thing before, so it must be true, right? Our entire country and even our constitution is underpinned by the famous words of Thomas Jefferson, "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal." Kind of brings a tear to ones eye. But is that actually true? Let's put on our thinking caps and have a look.

Firstly, there is nothing that is a self-evident truth. What we have of course are biased opinions that we choose to believe. This so-called self-evidence is only as good as the "self" that is examining the evidence. So, what is self-evident to Charles Manson? Hitler? Mao? Bin Laden? Nothing is self-evident, there is no such thing. This is simply one of those specious terms that salesmen utilize when they are endeavoring to sway you to their opinion.

All men created? Well, now just how does that work? Hmm? Since humanity was not created, we evolved up out of the primordial goo, the prehistoric ooze. "Hey baby, I gots ya's creation story right here." (That's me grabbing my inner thigh).

Created equal? Equality. Are you on bath salts and Wild Turkey? Nobody is equal, nobody ever could be. Can you do what Michael Jordan did on a basketball court? What Einstein could do in the lab? Now, (drum roll) people should stand before the courts with equal rights and protections, and people should be given equal opportunities in employment, but human beings as being genetically equal? Ludicrous. This is not the way of evolution, our real creator. Out of the millions and millions of other animal species alive on this planet, none of them are equal. We would be the only one out of millions that somehow, miraculously, magically all ended up equal. Ridiculous. This is not the way of evolution and certainly not the way of it's primary catalyst of change, natural selection. (BTW-Other than these few minor points-Jefferson was right on the money).

So, when we look back at ourselves through the emerging prism of evolutionary psychology, this is what we will find. The boys and the girls had vastly different roles back in the day. Most likely, boys and girls in all animal species probably started out fairly even in all aspects, but then as different roles where adopted things began to change, as they must always do. (Adapt or die).

Women, with the chores (oh I almost forgot, the glory, the abject glory) of childbirth stayed close to home caring for their young, and learned all of the skills that went along with nurturing the wonderful, hairy, little tyke they called junior. The men, on the other hand, would have to travel ever-increasingly further distances away from camp to garner the much needed food as it would naturally become scarce where they were currently hunting it. So on these sojourns the men would have to begin to learn about things like how to find their way back, how far the other hunting grounds were, where the waterholes were so they wouldn't die of thirst, the location of the rival tribes so they wouldn't end up with their heads on the end of a stick. If they were to survive they would have to start incorporating the lay of the land into their minds so they would know where they were at all times, and how to find the things they would need should an emergency occur. One might also refer to all of these things as spatial intelligence. Mom didn't do any of these things because she didn't need to. Wasn't that she couldn't, she simply had her own chores and regimens that were all geared for survival in her and the little, hairy tykes world. So all human beings evolved in different areas with different roles and it shaped how they would eventually emerge.

Same with the increased size and strength of males over females. Somewhere along the evolutionary ladder, whether within so-called homo sapiens or one of our forerunner species, that males and females were relatively equal in size and strength. But after millions of years of women staying at home with said wonderful hair-ball and men fighting both among themselves for the hand of those fair maidens and then fighting the wild animals they had to track and kill and then skin, they developed superior size and strength and musculature and the ability to know where they were at all times (spatial intelligence again) as a means of survival.

The bottom lines to all of this is that human beings by virtue of millions of different elements and regions and pressures and problems and climates and food sources etc. evolved in their own particular regions as different as can be.

But something's wrong here! Heavens to Betsy! What about all of the people that say that men and women are the same, and that we are all interchangeable, you know, the ones that parrot the current popular zeitgeist, and what I'm writing here can't really be reconciled with that, can it?

Well, I guess I lose, my position is the weak one. I've only based my observations on all that flimsy crap like evolutionary psychology, biology, science, logic, reason and for that matter, sanity. But they've got their politically correct, utopian notions of wishful thinking fantasies of how the world should have been if only they were the ones doing the creating. Since they made it to the evolution party a little late, they simply re-invented reality to be they way they want it. I don't stand a chance. I never will. Please remove this column from your computer screen. You only imagined it, you were having a bad dream. It was never here.

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Updated May 10, 2017 12:29 PM EDT | More details

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