Snowden to Wed 'Chelsea'
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Soviet news agencies report that Snowden has asked him/her for his/her hand in marriage.
Super snitches are a match made in heaven.
Master snitch Edward Snowden has found something he loves even more than leaking top-secret NSA documents. He's in love with recently convicted Lieutenant Bradley a/k/a Chelsea Manning.
Soviet news agencies report that Snowden has formally proposed to Manning and has asked him/her for his/her hand in marriage. "Bowled over" by the photo of Manning as a fetching blonde woman, Snowden reached out to Manning through the Russian matchmaking service 'EwwwHarmony.'
'It is truly a match made in heaven... and prison," gushes Svetlana Chaplinsky, CEO of EwwwHarmony. "There have been weeks of correspondence between these two lovebirds. Although I cannot reveal the nature of these messages, I can tell you that Mr. Snowden and Ms. Manning have a lot in common. First off, they're both men."
Although Snowden currently resides somewhere in Russia and Manning lives in a prison cell in Fort Leavenworth, Kansas, Chaplinsky still believes that "love will find a way." Says Chaplinsky, "These two crazy kids are head over heels in love with each other. I'm certain their relationship will grow even stronger in the days to come, especially after Mr. Manning grows some wonderful breasts."
Wedding plans are still a bit sketchy since the happy couple won't meet face to face until 2048, but jailhouse romances are never easy. So says self-proclaimed Los Angeles "super duper wedding planner" Seth Mincemeat. "Listen, no wedding is ever easy. Something is bound to go wrong - the flowers could wilt, some schmo finds a bug in his salmon canap?, the band arrives an hour late or the bride happens to have a penis. Oh yes, it's always something!"
Mincemeat says he's been involved with several 'Skype marriages' and says future technological advances could even make possible long-distance consummations. "My good friend Roger and I are developing a groundbreaking program that will allow couples to do just about anything in the lovemaking realm - holding hands, kissing, using multiple fists. We're very excited about FaceMyAssBook."
But who will preside over the marriage ceremony? Rabbi Herman Blechhhhh of New York's Temple Bess Meyerson believes that a 'mixed marriage' - one where the groom is also the bride - provides its own unique challenges. "Neither the Talmud nor the Pentateuch says anything about this type of marriage," says Blechhhhh. "I suppose it's kosher, but I wouldn't want to get involved. I have my own tsuris with my bad kishkas and my son the schmendrick."
No date has been set for the Snowden-Manning wedding, and the guest list, according to Chaplinsky, will be more secretive than a KGB undercover operation. "But I can tell you this," chirps Chaplinsky, "Putin and Obama will not be invited."
Wikinote On Chelsea:
Manning was ultimately charged with 22 offenses, including aiding the enemy, the most serious charge. She was held at the Marine Corps Brig, Quantico, Virginia, from July 2010 to April 2011 under Prevention of Injury status ' which entailed de facto solitary confinement and other restrictions that caused domestic and international concern ' before being transferred to Fort Leavenworth, Kansas, where she could interact with other detainees. She pleaded guilty in February 2013 to 10 of the charges. The trial on the remaining charges began on June 3, 2013, and on July 30 she was convicted of 17 of the original charges and amended versions of four others, but was acquitted of aiding the enemy. She will serve her sentence at Fort Leavenworth.
Phil Lebovits, Political Satirist: 2016 is going to be the most interesting political year since 1876, maybe even better than Tilden v. Hayes. I can't wait to dump on Trump, kick Bush in the tush, shout boos at Cruz and f**k with Huck...abee. Here's to a wonderful year of witty prose, satirical musings and good pie. Cheers! P.S. Tilden was robbed! (more...)