Ted Cruz Unplugged
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"I was a bed-wetter as a child. It all started when my family moved from Canada to Texas."
Highlights from the Senator's fake filibuster.
We all heard about his reading two Dr. Seuss books on the Senate floor, but there are so many more highlights from his pointless rant. Here are but a few:
HOUR FOUR So, is Dr. Seuss really a doctor, and if so, how does Obamacare affect his fees for service? In a free market system, Seuss should be able to charge anything he wants to, but the heavy hand of the Feds is going to shortchange him. So he'll be forced to write even more books... (An aide hands him a note.) I've just been informed that Dr. Seuss isn't really a doctor and in fact, he's dead. Apparently, Obama's stormtroopers have already gotten to him.
HOUR SEVEN I was a bed-wetter as a child. It all started when my family moved from Canada to Texas. Moving is traumatic. Truth be known, I've already peed in my pants three times since I started to speak here on the Senate floor. I was going to wear some of those Depends undergarments, but ya know, I kinda like the feeling of wetting myself. It's warm and familiar. Anyway, despite claims by the opposition, I DO NOT THROW MY OWN FECES!
HOUR TEN Why the hell is everybody so enamored with Chobani yogurt? Yes, it's creamy and delicious, but there are other less expensive alternatives that are just as good. And what is a bacillus anyway? If I wanted to eat foods with lots of bacteria, I'd just swing by Taco Bell. And how do they know if a bacillus is friendly? Do bacteria have personalities? Maybe if they do... (chuckles to himself) ...they can tell Secretary of State John Kerry how to get one. Man, that guy has had more work done than Joan Rivers.
HOUR FOURTEEN When I was ten years old, I felt a tingling sensation between my legs every time I saw Valerie Bertinelli on the TV. I didn't understand where the tingling came from so I asked my Dad. He's Cuban. He actually fought for Fidel Castro before he found out that Castro was a Communist. He met Castro once and offered him a cigar. Castro was very touched by the gesture and he put down his Chobani yogurt and shook my Dad's hand. My Dad didn't wash that hand until the Bay of Pigs incident... (seeing a woman pass by, he sings) The purpose of a man is to love a woman and the purpose of a woman is to love a man. So c'mon baby let's start to day, c'mon baby let's play The Game of Love.. love... love....love... love love love love love.
HOUR TWENTY (singing) Mares eat oats and does eat oats and little lambs eat ivy; a kid'll eat ivy too, wouldn't you? I wouldn't eat ivy and I went to Harvard which is in the Ivy League. Didn't Jules Verne write 20,000 Leagues under the Sea? I can't fathom why he did. (laughing) Oh man, what I wouldn't give for a dry pair of pants. Why do we call them 'pants' anyway? It's one thing. Two pairs of pants? I get that. Are they counting the legs? Is that what makes it plural? One shirt is a shirt. Why do pants get special treatment?
HOUR TWENTY-ONE I got beat up a lot as a kid. Nobody liked me. Nobody here in Washington likes me either. My staff makes jokes about me behind my back. I can hear them whispering, sometimes in Farsi. Why is it called Farsi anyway? And why the hell do we have to eat Greek yogurt?
Phil Lebovits, Political Satirist: 2016 is going to be the most interesting political year since 1876, maybe even better than Tilden v. Hayes. I can't wait to dump on Trump, kick Bush in the tush, shout boos at Cruz and f**k with Huck...abee. Here's to a wonderful year of witty prose, satirical musings and good pie. Cheers! P.S. Tilden was robbed! (more...)