Columns

Garbage Made For Garbage

Skipper Bivens
Skipper Bivens
Scooter and Skipper Bivens star on Animal Planet’s 'Hillbilly Handfishin.' | Photo: David Yellen, Animal Planet | Skipper Bivens, Animal Planet, Reality, Hunting, Fishing, Fish, Redneck, Lake, Topless,

The Vander Rump Stools

I, apparently unlike the rest of the citizenry, have just gotten my first taste of cable television. All the reality show on basic cable. The shows are free, they say, but it's not true. Watching them on my computer, I threw up all over the keyboard and had to buy a new one. Boy, free smee.

I monitored shows like The Vanderpump Rules, Icky Bitch Housewives from every city in America, I Dream of Nene (Not dreaming of her, trust me here), The Redneck fuck-a-duck show, The Real Estate Cocksucker's Show and Two Sleaze-balls from Vegas doing Sleaze-ball tattoos on other Sleaze-balls.

I began wondering what kind of our fellow planet dwellers watch this kind of rancidy, sewagey, mind-warpingly, soul-destroyingly, will-to-live crushingly, horrible, vile, stinky, forcing god to commit suicidingly, scummy, diseased-filth programming.

Please, don't mistake this for another essay critiquing our culture. To do a serious essay in that area would imply that you actually believed there was some hope for change. There is none. As humanity is composed largely of self-delusional, classless, foaming-at-the-mouth maniacs this is just my feeble attempt at humor on the deck of the Titanic as in inevitably blubs it's way under the bounding waves. Blub, blub, blub.

The women on these TV shows, well how can one describe them delicately? They remind me of a great line from INXS's song, Devil Inside-"Full of Nothing-but Full of Pride." Empty vessels, a sort of septic tank painted elegantly. Onto these vessels they tack on the usual store-bought tits, the store-bought-face, the fancy clothes and voila, what have we got? Elegant, finely clad, surgery-enhanced, finely painted septic tanks.

Duck Dynasty
Duck Dynasty

Duck Dynasty is an American reality television series on A&E that portrays the lives of the Robertson family, who became wealthy from their family-operated business, Duck Commander. | Photo: A&E | Duck Dynasty, Phil Robertson, Gun, Violence, Beard, Mud, Redneck, Hunter, Reality, Television,

The men, well I would critique them but I couldn't find any. There are no men left on TV, just sort of these half-men, half-girl things. Silly, giggling, inane, properly brainwashed with all of the current PC garbage about all the issues. Perhaps you could call them female-lites.

Of course none of these "Shows" would be on the air if they didn't replicate the audiences watching them. We are a people gutted of anything fine, anything regarding any mention of class, value, what used to be known as breeding. We have all now finally been conjoined, made equal, herded and breed into the kind of gutless, wimpy wastes of synapses that watch this drivel. Anti-programming for an anti-people in our anti-world. There is no hope, there is nothing to say, nothing to do.

Coming soon to Channel 54, "Orangutan Chefs get anal-f*sted by the Real Estate C*cksuckers." Film at 11.

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Updated May 10, 2017 9:58 AM EDT | More details

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