Advice for Hollywood
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Nobody in the freakin' world wants to save humanity, not even humanity wants to save humanity
Fatface vs. the evil Dr. Pencilweiner
Oh Hollywood, Hollywood, you wretched, slimy bastards. Here we go again with another lousy, crummy Batman movie where the title character will save the world, once again, from some evildoer (George Bushes favorite word.) How many thousands of times over the last 50 years have we been subjected to this sort of rancid drivel? Hmm? The Stupor Hero saving the world from yet another crumb-bum. The list is endless, Superman, Batman, James Bond, endless, endless, the same old tired re-worked stories, completely devoid of any intelligence, zero creativity, near-comatose people lumbering out to see them as a sort of communal tribal ritual. Just to say that they went.
Let's get creative, let's give the wonderful people of this world what they want. Now, who wants to save this lousy, crap-ass world? I certainly don't. It would be utterly impossible for me to care less. Global warming? Bring it on baby! I cheer for global warming, I can't wait. Every night before retiring I Flic my Bic (TM)(Copyrighted) for about 10 minutes or so, just hoping to raise the mean temperature of the globe by some tiny, tiny little infinitesimally small amount to hasten our complete and total ghastly annihilation. And I don't even smoke.
Couldn't we have a Stupor Hero for once that acted like a real entity would act? Let's call him Fatman, no better yet Fat-face.
Constance Truetits bounces through the door of Fat-face's cave, "Oh Fat-face, Fat-face, the evil Dr. Pencilweiner is going to destroy the world! You must save us!
Fat-face, "Fuck dhat. Say doan Laverne and Shirley come on right afta "Mork and Mindeee."
Constance, "But Fat-face, that evildoer Dr. Pencilweiner has invented another secret weapon. This one will strip all of the pretense and phoniness from all of humanity. All people would instantly be seen just as they are. As nobody would then want to have sex with anybody ever again, the human race will quickly die out!
Fat-face, "Wouldn't dhat be de catastrophee? Hey, yeah, yeah I was right, here's Laverne now...shots and pepper corporated, we're gonna do it! Wacky man, wacky, wacky stuff! You see Con, for me you people are all like giant upright cock-a roaches. With my superior intelligence, how could I possibly live among a people such as well, you and your kind? I mean...Jesus. Your politics and culture? I got four words for ya baby, Bush, Barack, Bieber and Cyrus. I mean really, there's just no chance. So while dhat rat Dr. Pencilweiner is shooting his ray guns at people with the help of his squadron of flying monkeys, I shall be kickin' it Bermuda with the bath salts. Dig?
Constance, "Oh but look out Fat-face." With this Pencilweiner now appears on screen and heads right for Fat-face. They both meet in the middle and instantly engage in about a 30 second long French-Kissing display that makes even inanimate objects want to like seriously freaking hurl. Like okay?
Constance then blurts, "Oh no, all is lost." The movie then fades out as all of humanity is finally dying horrible pretense and phoniness-free deaths. The End.
You see Hollywood, THIS would be a big boffo box-office hit. Nobody in the freakin' world wants to save humanity, not even humanity wants to save humanity. People don't love or even like humanity. Really. They don't love each other, they don't even love themselves. Wars, genocides. Eating, drinking, drugging, smoking themselves to death just as fast as they can. Humanity is sick of humanity and who can blame them? So let the movies reflect some obvious reality, you'll tap a vein that will lead to lines around the block.
So next time you are going to inflict us with another lousy, scum-sucking, soul-crushing, will-to-live decimating, mind-annihilating piece of diseased, rancid dog-shit that you laughingly refer to as a movie, at least let the patrons walk out of the movie with a small grin on their gruesome little kissers.
Chris Volkay, Political Columnist: Mr. Volkay is an iconoclast, skeptic and libertarian, jerk, and I'd like to say secular humanist (but how can I? Humanism denotes some sort of belief in humanity and I have less belief in humanity than I do in the non-existent gods.) He believes the world has been destroyed by the religious beliefs of both the utopian left (aka liberals-progressives) and the god-fearing right. However it's largely not their fault-most of them are simply dumb as rocks and how can you get mad at the dumbos? It's... (more...)