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Glorious Schadenfreude

OJ Simpson
OJ Simpson
OJ Simpson during his 2008 sentencing in Las Vegas. In 1995, Orenthal James O. J. Simpson, born July 9, 1947, was acquitted of the murder of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman after a lengthy, internationally publicized criminal trial – the People v. Simpson. A 1997 judgment for $33 million against Simpson for their wrongful deaths. | Oj Simpson, Murder, Court, Football, Handcuffs,

The Fine Art of Enjoying Other People's Misery

Naturally, I don't know about you, but me, I love the misery of those ubiquitous bone-heads that constantly surround and annoy me. Awful. It's "schadenfreude," German for delighting in the misery of others. Especially when said bone-heads manage to bring their particular affliction upon themselves. This is really the big juicy cherry on top. Extra delightful. Think of somebody like O.J. Now, he beats the rap on a double murder charge and what happens, he goes off and enjoys his good fortune? Not exactly. He manages to go out and get himself a 10-year sentence on some Mickey Mouse charges. O.J. we love you, you're sort of the "Patron Saint of Schadenfreude." We need more like you baby.

A long time ago I had a conversation with a rather worldly, older guy. He told me that in his lifetime all but about 2 scumbags that he had known, and that were richly in need of some type of retribution, got it. Almost everybody. His point was that it is really unnecessary to go around meting out justice because if you simply wait, life has its own way of dealing out retribution, and many times it will be at the hands of the people themselves. Often it's simply a matter of getting out of people's way, sitting back and letting them destroy themselves. So by all means, don't impede their progress.

I remember George Carlin alluding to schadenfreude in one of his routines. He was talking about a fire that had broken out in the mountains somewhere. Said Carlin, "Now, I don't want to see any of the animals hurt, but hey guys, that's MY fire. I'm rooting for it." For me too, if I see a fire that burns 150 homes on the top of a hill somewhere I think of it as the mountain's revenge for the weak, selfish individuals who would build a home right on the top of a mountain just to show their peers how important they supposedly are. Weak, mindless, jellyfish-like imbeciles. Now, I don't advocate starting fires of course, (usual obligatory disclaimer) OUD, but, when one of them is started by something say, like lightening, as many are, should we really interfere with wisdom of nature or should we instead simply stand back and let nature take care of itself. It was taking care of itself long before the human stain called people dribbled up. After all it's only trying to rid itself of a particularly vile strain of acne, people's homes. I say we should get out if its way and let it do what it feels it must. A sort of manifest destiny, woodsy-owl style.

Will I later contribute to a fund to help the people that have been burned out of their hilltop pyramids of puerile vainglory? Hmm, let me think. I hope they don't have insurance, that they have their children taken away and that I see them boiling scrawny rats in char-blackened cauldrons out by the railroad tracks, wearing thread-bare kneepads, in a driving rain. "O hey brother, can you spare a dime?" "Ah shuddup and eat your rat."

Are there any possible upsides to all of this, you know, news you can use? Well possibly. Perhaps for all those violent felons, murderers etc., consider this. Instead of being incarcerated for the next 10 to 20 years for your crimes, perhaps it would just be best to step back, give your mortal enemies plenty of room and let them disembowel themselves on their own petards. It gives you a sort of rooting interest in the festivities, sort of like a sporting event. Add popcorn and hot dogs and you're all set. Although, you know, just possibly the misery that is meant for them is your assaulting, murdering or disemboweling them. Hmm. In that case it just might be all part of god's rich and wonderful plan and who wants to screw with the big boy?

To anybody that may express dolor toward my comments I can only say, you are so full of shit. Schadenfreude is just another very human emotion that we all have. It's natural and it's normal. And we all feel it all the time. It's similar to many other human emotions that we aren't supposed to have, like coveting your neighbor's wife or her big fat ass, whatever it's supposed to be, stealing, bearing false witness etc. These feelings are not only not bad they are actually part and parcel of what makes us up. If we hadn't done them we'd be long since eaten by the saber toothed tigers. So relax, have a cookie.

So stop being a hypocrite. Embrace your inner schadenfreude. It's all the rage man, all the cool kids in town are doing it. Your neighbor across the street, the ones next door, your toupee stylist and your bath salts dealer.

It even works with your so-called good friends. Now what are you going to do when one of your great friends turns out to be, well, scum? Hmm? Chop his nuts off with a pair of garden-shears? Perhaps, but I like to focus in on some particular pain or misery they are suffering and, especially, if they happened to bring it upon themselves, it brings such a feeling of warmth that I quickly drift off into never-never land and have a wonderful night's sleep. Then I awaken to the sounds of the sweet playful songs of the baby robins out beyond my window. Then, finally, my minds snaps back to think of my friend's horrible agony. I love life.

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Updated Apr 22, 2017 5:49 AM EDT | More details

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