Citing 'irreconcilable differences' and 'unprecedented neglect,' President Obama instructed his legal team today to sue the House of Representatives for divorce. The action comes a week after Speaker of the House John Boehner threatened legal remedies for Obama's expanded use of executive orders.
'This isn't some kind of knee-jerk quid pro quo," Obama explained to a gathering at the 3rd Annual Knee Jerking Festival in Boise, Idaho, 'but I have had it up to here with Mr. Boehner and his Tea Party cohorts. With this lawsuit, I hope to protect America from further abuse. We can only be slapped around or beaten with sticks for so long. This divorce will enable us to bypass Republicans and get America moving again. And we get to keep the House. And the car.'
The news sent shockwaves through the halls of Congress. A stunned Boehner, looking more pale than orange, emerged from his office wearing a wife-beater, then approached a phalanx of waiting reporters.
'I just received news of the President's intent to begin divorce proceedings,' his voice cracking with emotion. 'I want the President to know that the House leadership has been completely blindsided by this lawsuit and we beg the President not to pursue this course.' Holding back tears, Boehner continued. 'I can change. I can be a better partner. And I promise, once and for all, to stop the drinking.'
Putting down his flask, and now flanked by new House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy, Boehner continued: 'Sure, Kev and I have had some fun at the President's expense, and maybe we shouldn't have tried to overturn Obamacare forty six times or to put in doubt his citizenship, but we've never been unfaithful. We have faithfully discharged our duties and still regard Mr. Obama as our main squeeze.'
Boehner stopped as the tears flooded down his forlorn face and he slowly sank to the floor. 'Please don't make me play golf with Louie Gohmert!' Boehner blurted. 'He's the real cheater!'
McCarthy quickly stepped to the microphone and offered up kind words for the President. 'Yes, we've had our disagreements in the past, but that doesn't mean the love isn't still there. I can speak for John and the rest of our caucus when I say that we are all very open to counseling and to an aggressive regimen of colon cleanses in order to reestablish the trust. As an olive branch, we now ask the President to issue as many new executive orders as he sees fit. We'll take a back seat until after the elections and let Mr. Obama rule by fiat. Heck, he can shut down that Keystone Pipeline anytime he wants to.'
Upon hearing the news of Boehner's breakdown, Obama seemed unmoved. 'There will be no rapprochement or other French words that the Speaker clearly doesn't understand. There will be no trial separation. These people have no idea how to compromise. And please let the Speaker know that I will be asking for sole custody of the Constitution. Perhaps he can have visitation rights once a month, but he can never see Article 1, Section 8 without a court order.'