California has a water crisis. Drought has struck the Golden State at unprecedented levels, forcing the State Water Resources Control Board to issue severe water restrictions that will affect farmers, consumers, and the Kardashians.
"We are in a drought of historic proportions," board Chairwoman Felicia Marcus told The Associated Press in a telephone interview. "Reservoirs and wells across the state are drying up faster than you can say "Bruce Jenner's vagina." People in urban areas have no idea how bad it?s getting. And when I think of 'bad' and 'no idea,' the first thing that comes to mind are the Kardashians."
Water Board spokesperson George Kostyrko says the new restrictions will prevent Californians from overwatering their lawns, washing their cars in the driveway, or providing water to Kim, Khloe and Kourtney. "The intention here is not to punish the Kardashian family, but to raise awareness that when it comes to this drought, we're all in this together. If Kanye West is so certain his sh** doesn't stink, he doesn't need to flush every time."
Needless to say, the Kardashians were shocked. "Yes, we are aware of the drought!" fumed Kim as she floated in her Olympic-sized swimming pool while servants dressed as elephants sprayed her with cooling mists through their trunks. "And we have taken steps to reduce water usage. Look at my Grey Goose and water here. All Grey Goose-- no water."
Younger sister Khloe nodded in agreement. "Listen, I've gotten rid of most of the douchebags in my life-- do you hear me Lamar?-- and douchebags use a lot of water. Like most people in California, we've decided to stop using tap water and will only bathe now in organic goat's milk."
"Okay, we did just build a small waterpark for our son North," said Kim, "but we will not turn on the jet streams until his third birthday. And when we do, he and his friends will not be allowed to ride 'Gargantuan' until after dinner."
As the girls splashed around in the pool, Bruce Jenner, dressed in a fetching floral moo-moo and gold-tipped stilettos, sauntered by.
"A lot of people forget that I once won the Decathlon," Jenner remarked as he adjusted his brassiere. "There'd been an eight-year drought between American winners. So let me tell you, buddy, I know a little something about droughts. And Botox."
He turned to Khloe as she climbed out of the pool. "Honey, can you tell Pedro to turn the sprinklers on? The lawn hasn't been watered since noon. And let Pablo know my Porsche needs to be washed again."
Back in Sacramento, the Water Board's Felicia Marcus struck a more conciliatory tone. "If the restrictions are lifted, and that's a big 'if,' we'll certainly be open to turning on the taps for the Kardashians. But until then, we intend to be vigilant. The fines we're imposing may not be enough."
Marcus smiled. "Too bad we can't waterboard anymore."