ISIS: New Ferguson Cops?
Please visit our sponsor.
An opportunity like this will give our troops a chance to police a city that looks like Mosul.
Terrorists and Missouri city reach controversial deal.
"With the National Guard leaving this week, there's a real power vacuum," said Ferguson Police Chief Tom Jackson at a hastily-called news conference. "Vacuums suck, and over the past few days it's become apparent to me that our fine men and women in camouflage have no heart to go back to work to be constantly vilified and scrutinized by the people they're trying to serve. Enough is enough!"
Joining him at the podium was ISIS spokesperson and former movie child star Abdulla "Timmy" al-Rashid. "When I first got the call from the Chief, I had two questions for him. One: "Tom, how did you get my number?" and Two: "Tom, how the HELL did you get my number?" You see, any ISIS leader these days with a cellphone becomes an instant target for American fighter jets and drones. That's why we all switched from Verizon to Metro PCS. And at fifty bucks a month for the unlimited 4-G phone and text, it's a very good deal... But I digress."
Rashid continued. "Recent airstrikes in Iraq have stopped our momentum and have put a damper on our dreams of establishing a permanent Islamic caliphate. An opportunity like this one in Ferguson will give our troops a chance to police and patrol a city that looks surprisingly like Mosul without all the hassle of getting blown to smithereens. In addition, we will be within miles of capturing St. Louis, a holy city we all covet... despite the Rams' abysmal record. FYI, I truly believe Sam Bradford is an overrated QB."
When asked how he would have handled the Michael Brown case, Rashid smiled. "Oh no, not gonna touch that hot potato!"
On the streets of war-torn Ferguson, reaction was mixed. "Sure, anything is better than the cops we have now," said LaMichael Vincent, an unemployed freelance puppy mill worker. "But I hear ISIS is into beheading and sh*t, and that don't play so well here in Ferguson. Maybe Officer Wilson lost his head when he shot Michael, but it's not like he's gonna LOSE his head for doing that."
Vincent's friend LaErnest Brooks, an unemployed freelance abacus repairman, nodded in agreement. "Not sure how these ISIS folks are gonna fit in here. Ferguson has some of the finest BBQ this side of Kansas City, and I hear these Muslim types don't eat pork. Sh*t, they are missing out BIG TIME if they can't enjoy the ribs at Mrs. Brown's Bubblin' Backdoor Bar-B-Q Shack and Shoe Repair.
Details of the handover are still sketchy and it may take months for the deal to take effect. "The devil, they say, is in the details," Rashid sighed. "It's one thing to reach an agreement like this, but it's an entirely different matter to fly a platoon of hardened ISIS fighters from Syria to the "Show Me State" without getting noticed and blown out of the sky. Show ME how to do that!"
Turning to Chief Jackson, Rashid chuckled. "I made a funny."
Phil Lebovits, Political Satirist: 2016 is going to be the most interesting political year since 1876, maybe even better than Tilden v. Hayes. I can't wait to dump on Trump, kick Bush in the tush, shout boos at Cruz and f**k with Huck...abee. Here's to a wonderful year of witty prose, satirical musings and good pie. Cheers! P.S. Tilden was robbed! (more...)