Ken Hitler Rides GOP Wave
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Kyle Hitler, Ken's brother and unofficial chief of security
On Tuesday night, the R's had it.
The affable Hitler, once a longshot to defeat incumbent Congressman Bill Deavers (D-CO), was 'humbled' by the experience.
"I know 'Hitler' is not a name many people react to positively, but I think my message of fiscal responsibility and smaller government resonated with voters. I'm as shocked as anybody that I won. I even got 4% of the Jewish vote."
Running the campaign on a shoestring budget, Hitler and campaign Manager Billy Caligula decided early on to tailor the campaign to the candidate's natural likeability and winning smile. A small mustache the candidate had worn for years was quickly shaved off. The words "Hi Hitler!" adorning yard signs and banners and shouted at rallies across this congressional district that runs through the lovely southwestern Boulder area, seemed to deflate some of the hatred the name 'Hitler' often engenders.
"Listen, this was no easy task," Caligula offered." For voters to accept and then to vote for a guy named 'Hitler' has more to do with Ken's ability to connect with voters than anything else. People can sometimes forget the Holocaust and other atrocities if the candidate is willing to listen to his constituents."
Kyle Hitler, Ken's brother and unofficial campaign security chief, seemed sanguine about the results. "Maybe, once and for all, we can say that a name is just a name and what really matters is the content of a person's character rather than the content of his surname."
Perhaps another election on Tuesday night, in a county a thousand miles away from Boulder, illustrates Kyle Hitler's point even more profoundly. In a race in Harlan County, KY, four-term County Commissioner Ralph Brinks, a Democrat, lost to a man named Shit Fartington. Yes, you read that right. Shit Fartington.
Sinking back into a leather chair and playing with a cigar at a local Day's Inn, the site of his victory party, Shit seemed unaffected by the surprising outcome.
"I used to go by my middle name 'Albert' when I was a child, "Fartington said, "and the teasing was relentless. By the time I hit fifth grade, I said 'screw it.' My parents named me "Shit' and I'm gonna stick with it!"
Armed with a healthy campaign war chest and a catchy campaign slogan: "He's the Shit!' Fartington traveled to over fifty towns in this southeastern, KY county and was often greeted by enthusiastic supporters with shouts of "Shit, he's here!"
It didn't hurt that former Harlan County 'Dairy Princess' and Shit's wife Stacy accompanied him at most of his campaign stops.
"Shit and I have always regarded ourselves as a team," the comely Mrs. Fartington piped. "We never think of ourselves as Number One or Number Two. So there was no way I was going to let Shit go it alone. How awful would it have been if I wasn't there supporting him one-hundred percent? The whole campaign could've gone right down the crapper."
When asked if she or her husband made any blunders or fumbles along the way, Stacy blushed, then quietly replied, "Of course. Shit happens."
Phil Lebovits, Political Satirist: 2016 is going to be the most interesting political year since 1876, maybe even better than Tilden v. Hayes. I can't wait to dump on Trump, kick Bush in the tush, shout boos at Cruz and f**k with Huck...abee. Here's to a wonderful year of witty prose, satirical musings and good pie. Cheers! P.S. Tilden was robbed! (more...)