Brian Williams: "I Fibbed"
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I have no daughter. You must be confusing me with our legal correspondent Pete Williams.
NBC Nightly News Anchor admits to fudging the truth.
Over the past 24 hours, America's favorite newscaster has been deluged with a torrent of negative press following his on-air admission that he was not aboard a helicopter hit and forced down by enemy fire during the invasion of Iraq in 2003. He apologized saying, "I made a mistake in recalling the events of twelve years ago."
"So you lied," I said.
"It was more like fibbing. Lying has such a negative connotation."
"So you used excessive tactical fibbing."
"That's a fair assessment. But let me be clear that this is the only time I've ever been untruthful. Back in 2011, when I was in Abbottabad, Pakistan with Navy SEAL Team 6, it's widely known that I was the person who shot Osama Bin Laden dead."
"You killed Osama Bin Laden," I stammered.
"I decided not to report it since many would think I was trying to upstage the SEALs. But yes, I shot Al Qaeda's leader in the head."
"You're really going out on a limb here, Brian."
"Listen, there have been many stories during my tenure as NBC Nightly News anchor that had to be buried, that would've cast a heroic light on me, a light I'm just not comfortable with."
"Well, truth be told, it wasn't 'Sully' Sullenberger who landed US Airways Flight 1549 in the Hudson River in 2009. It was me. After I revived Captain Sullenberger using CPR, I told him to take credit for the landing, that it would make a terrific story. Sure, I was dying to tell somebody about what I did, but I never have."
"I'm not sure what you're talking about, Phil. But I do know that when I pitched that no-hitter against the San Francisco Giants last year, my split-finger fastball was almost untouchable."
"That was Clayton Kershaw."
Williams leaned back in his chair and sighed. "Being a news anchor is tough sometimes, but I earn every penny of that 10 million dollars NBC pays me, and every penny of that goes to help find a cure for Alzheimer's... so help me God."
"So you give away all your money to charity?"
"Yes I do. My wife Jane and I live in a cardboard box on Lexington Avenue. We subsist on a diet of spongecake and chalk."
"I find that hard to believe."
"When I was four years old, my parents took me to Dallas for a long weekend in late November. When President Kennedy was shot in Dealey Plaza, I leaped into his limousine and took a bullet for him. Unfortunately, I was a split-second too late."
"Thank you, Brian. I think we're done for now," I said abruptly. "But may I ask you one more personal question? You don't have to answer if you don't want to."
"Fire away. I'm an open book."
"How do you feel about your daughter Allison showing her breasts on her HBO show?"
"I have no daughter. You must be confusing me with our legal correspondent Pete Williams."
"Okay, gotta go!"
Phil Lebovits, Political Satirist: 2016 is going to be the most interesting political year since 1876, maybe even better than Tilden v. Hayes. I can't wait to dump on Trump, kick Bush in the tush, shout boos at Cruz and f**k with Huck...abee. Here's to a wonderful year of witty prose, satirical musings and good pie. Cheers! P.S. Tilden was robbed! (more...)