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Secret SlurrVice

Secret Service
Secret Service
The mission of the United States Secret Service is to safeguard the nation's financial infrastructure and payment systems to preserve the integrity of the economy, and to protect national leaders, visiting heads of state and government, designated sites and National Special Security Events. | Photo: Associated Press | Secret Service, Presidential Security, Cia, Fbi, Armed,

It's Dallas once again, without Jack Ruby.

Where have all the badass Special Forces or Former Athletes gone, long time passing?

Watching the few moments of his testimony on the latest implosion of the once presumptively elite protection service known to shadow prominent former government office-holders of a certain lofty ilk (deserved or otherwise, as in 'W', Cheney, et.al.), this (dis)service actually did succeed in doing something truly remarkable: transporting me in the way-back machine to Dallas, Tex-ass' Dealey Plaza of my then very youthful devastation. 'How could such a thing happen?' that boy rhetorically asked himself, others, well before he knew the meaning of rhetoric.

Back, now, from that trippy trip to Camelot (of blood) I am in devastated awe, again, albeit at the sheer incompetence of this disservice's 'dissing' behavior toward both the White House and its extant occupants. Between his stammering and bumbling the cretin now 'acting' as head of the service in question must have deferred to 'staff' every other attempted word, sentences having escaped his abilities (also of the 'dis' variety). Mind you, this fellow was the default for said interim posting in the aftermath of some equally clueless woman who'd decided to host a knife-wielding weirdo surprise party in the Green room of a House whose walls came close to redecoration in crimson.

Now, then, it is put to you, oh reader of this sinking ship of state's chronicle: where are all the square-jawed Special Forces, former athletes, including wrestlers---America's best, ready to throw themselves into the ultimate ring of sacrifice?

Oh, yes, having served in the federal government this chronicler is aware of the labyrinthine process of actually firing even the plainly incompetent---can we fire the fools who put this process in place?! Civil Service, my behind--more like uncivil disservice. As delicately relevant as it is, the temptation must be yielded to: Lincoln, at a time of great exigency (albeit directly mentioned in the Constitution, 'rebellion') suspended habeus corpus; why, then, must legalism bar the nation from literally safeguarding its First Family from, you know, death? Hmm, it couldn't possibly have anything to do with their obvious demographic, noooo.

Whatever the cause of this state of addled affairs, isn't it time to do better than the aforementioned dead President's Pinkertons and/or shirking soldier bodyguard reported to have been, you guessed it, having a brewski during that fateful performance by the scheduled actors (and one leaping extra from a Booth) at Ford's Theatre?

Ye, Gods, with so many worthy heroic volunteer servicemen and women returning from our protection of distant strangers who'd just as well wish them gone one way or another, could we please put their hard-earned experience to immediate use, here, at the ultimate American 'home'?

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Updated Aug 12, 2017 11:59 AM EDT | More details

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