I really don't understand the uproar over Megyn Kelly's "wherever."
Wherever her wherever is, and whosoever says it's whenever a woman is at her ever-nastiest, then whoever or whomever may just be wrong.
HOWEVER, when Republican presidential hopeful and hair apparent Donald Trump says that "you could see there was blood coming out of her eyes, blood coming out of her wherever," the press and pundits assume he was referring to her whatsoever.
But what is a 'wherever?' In this case, it could be whatever part of the body is filled with blood. It could have been Megyn's nose, her ears, her brain, her ankles, her feet, and on and on. Why does it have to point to her vagina, a vagina that periodically gets angry.
I needed to get some answers, so I sat down with Dr. Sanford Schnabel, a noted linguistics professor at Yale University and author of "Please, Talk Like Me."
"I find it amusing that there's been so much falderol and gimcrackery about Mr. Trump's apparent faux pas," Schnabel opined as he leaned back in his soft leather chair and took a drag off his classic Meerschaum pipe.
Ironically, I found it equally amusing that Dr. Schnabel was using words like 'falderol' and 'gimcrackery."
He continued. "People tend to think the worst of somebody when they're in the political arena, and candidates are painfully aware that any slip of the tongue or misspoken word might spell the end of their ambitions. The subsequent media kerfuffle and gewgaw could be devastating."
Schnabel kept on talking, unaware that I had already left his office. "Douchebag" is the word that came to mind as I headed back home.
But I was still troubled. "If 'wherever' can point directly to a woman's genitalia," I pondered as quotation marks mysteriously appeared as I thought about something, "then does a man's 'wherever' mean his penis? And if so, is it ever bloody?"
Unable to sleep, I found myself at "The Bloody Penis," a popular bar in the heart of West Hollywood. It was here that I met Serge, a well-informed gay man who tried to set me straight.
"I read somewhere that it takes over six gallons of blood to maintain an erection," offered Serge. "So if The Donald had gone after a male Fox moderator and said he had blood coming out of his eyes and his wherever, it would be logical to think the wherever is his dingly dong."
In all honesty, I have no idea what to think. My search for Megan's wherever may be quixotic and a total waste of time. And why was I feeling sorry for her? After all, she was the one who started the fight. Didn't Trump have the right to fight back?
After returning home from the The Bloody Penis, I crawled into bed next to my lovely girlfriend and curled into her. I felt so comforted that she was here. "Hey," I whispered, "can I touch your wherever for awhile, just until I fall asleep?"
"Whatever," she sighed.