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Whither the Mascot?

Sports fans
Chris Kluwe
Chris Kluwe
Christopher James Kluwe, born December 24, 1981 is a punter for the Minnesota Vikings of the National Football League. On Sept. 7, 2012 Kluwe sent to Maryland state assembly delegate Emmett Burns, defending the opinions of Baltimore Ravens linebacker Brendon Ayanbadejo and sharply criticizing Burns on his attempt to stifle Ayanbadejo's free speech. | Photo: Minnesota Vikings | Chris Kluwe, Football, Nfl, Gay Rights, Vikings, Free Speech,

They're all over your jerseys, right?

Isn't it 'wither' versus 'whither' due to our failure as true fans to honor him/it?!

They're all over your overpriced jerseys, so why do you ignore their power!

Whether you're involved in some fantasy tangent or just old school like the author, come back to your roots, the very root of your rooting. Ahem.

Not long ago the great actor Tim Robbins appeared on the Letterman Show; when asked about some athletic contest's outcome in his opinion, Robbins, without hesitation, stated the essential case: 'I go with the mascot, right?'

Right.

Let's do the math, shall we. We'll begin with the last Super Bowl, Seahawks versus Patriots.

In what otherwise is a puzzlement to even diehard Seattle fans we have the plain sight resolution for the play calling that gave the New Englanders the crown--'fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly', thank you Rodgers and Hammerstein. Seriously, you 'can't help lovin that man' on defense for the humans versus the fish-eating avian mascot. Sure, the latter is great at soaring above men's heads, spotting the same , fish that man may work hours to try (and fail) to snare, but, c'mon, the hawk's gonna take to the air every time he wants to score big.

And football's not the only arena where this system's perfect. Oh, no.

Take baseball.

Whether it's New York or LA, a Dodger's gonna dodge defeat. A Cub's gonna bear down and exhibit youthful energy. Similarly, a Red's, well, suspect while a White Sock, even a Red one's a necessary element of every player even playing. Astros, up, up, and away. Yankees, sheer rudeness in pinstripes, 'Um walking (home), here!' Angels, stealing bases, please.

Next, Rugby. The All Blacks, all scary. In the roughest sport, sans protective gear, a safe bet, straight up.

Soccer... okay, who the heck knows, right? No hands, City this or that, who cares; not really a sport, at least to real Americans. The fact that you allow your child to play says it all--boring, right, but harmless. Let's move on.

Hoops.

Cavaliers carry swords, ok. Lakers, polluted. Spurs, try run and gun with those on, not to mention the cost of resurfacing that parquet floor. Nets, good for fishing, and Hawks don't belong using them. Mavericks don't usually even join anything, much less leagues. Just saying. Bulls, see floor expense issue above, but worse. Magic--um, tricks. Pistons, oil everywhere. Jazz, not for the eye. You get the idea.

Back to America's fave sport.

Bills, their namesake was generally intoxicated--great for concessionaires, but. Jets, no ground game. Dolphins, smart, but salt water's very bad for the grass (see: 'Chinatown' flick, Jack Nicholson engaging verbally with the Japanese gardener in 1930's L.A., where there weren't any pro sports teams, by the way). Steelers, really heavy, slow. Browns--even if Paul was alive, he'd be too, well, old. Titans, sorry, no XXXXXL uniforms ever available, at least within budget. Texans, what? The original Tejans didn't speak English, or play American football (by the way, Tejas existed before there was an America). Packers, of what...oh, dead meat. Giants (see: Titans).

Let's sum up, there are games on, lots of 'em: stop making your bookie happy, or some online Vegas/mob-driven betting robot---either go with the mascot logic or boycott the games/season tickets come-ons until the owners rethink their mascot. Just ask Dan Snyder's Washington you-know-whats. (They were here before America, too).

I'm not Tim Robbins, but I approved this message.

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Updated Apr 22, 2017 5:29 AM EDT | More details

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