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Ducking In Oregon

Holden Caulfield
Holden Caulfield
Holden Caulfield
Holden Caulfield is the fictional teenage protagonist and narrator of author J. D. Salinger's 1951 novel The Catcher in the Rye. | Photo: Happimimi | Link | Holden Caulfield, J. D. Salinger, The Catcher In The Rye, Hat, Cigarette, Crow, Animation, Cartoon,

Of Grids & Iron: As American As College Football

Well, someone not yet (in)famous has got himself a gun, like that folk hero Tony Soprano, but he's not in Jersey, no, he's out west somewhere no one's ever heard of (except the shocked-that-it-could-happen-hereabouts townfolk) wearing a new sort of people-shooting hat and it's got a big fat zero written on both sides.

What's that? Oh, it's an 'O'; oh, my bad.

That last sentence is likely to be that latest official utterance-a silent one, of course-issuing forth from the empty (as in zero concern & IQ) cabezas down at the HQ of the National Rifle Ass. And it's a sentence imposed upon this guilty nation by the same 'high' court that declared fictional legal entities to be 'people' (as in things that may speak freely, unhindered by that darn other legal fiction, guvment).

Perhaps, then, the nation may sigh collectively that-as with the now humane entertainment industries of TV and film-no (such) creatures were harmed in the filming of this latest movie sequel in an as yet endless series entitled with the working title 'Breaking News', with musical scoring by that pop sensation 'The Shooters', and brought to you by Amendment II American Suicide Pact, Incorporeal.

And, here's a peek at the just-released trailer, exclusively obtained by one of the networks:

"Well, Skip, it's been a heckuva news week cycle-what with the Pope, that threatening hurricane...be sure to stock up on the necessaries...and, now this darn shooting thing...Sure was, Susie, and we're committed to bringing you continuous coverage concerning a possible motive for this unexpected tragedy, so please stay tuned to this station; time for sports, Jimbo, what've you got for us when we come back? Heck, Suze, only the big game, those Ducks, will they be unstoppable? Coming up, right after this..."

BREAKING NEWS: We interrupt this broadcast to bring you this message from our reporter, Holden Caulfield, live, at the scene on the west coast...

I'm, uh, standing on the spot where, well, you out there in phony TV land-wherever the Hell that is, right? 'Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around - nobody big, I mean - except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff - I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them.' But, I didn't, not in time, 'cause they're dead, lots of 'em, anyway...

Sorry, folks, it's Suzie Reynolds wrapping up that live segment; we want to apologize for our reporter, seems he was reading from some book, and using a name that has no connection to this station or network, we want to make that clear, we take our FCC license very seriously. Um, please, stay tuned for any further breaking news, legitimate news, right after this word from our sponsor.

"Has this happened to you? You're alone, in your home, husband's out of town, just you and the kids when, suddenly, that sound...well, here at American Secure Defense, fore-armed is forewarned..."

Postscript: I'm Holden Caulfield and I freakin approved this massage-get it, 'massage', like that egghead Marshall McCluhan says back in my day, right, the medium (or whatever the Heck your size is, right?) it's the massage...haha...

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Updated May 6, 2017 5:51 AM EDT | More details

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