The Founding Fathers are rolling in their graves.
This week, Presidential candidate and loud mime Ben Carson claimed that our Founding Fathers, like him, never held elective office. He was sadly mistaken.
Hoping not to end the week on a sour note, Carson, who was busily signing copies of his new book "I Don't Know Shit!" at a Davenport, Iowa Barnes & Noble, now claims that Benjamin Franklin invented the automobile. "In 1766, two years before Mamie Eisenhower was born," said Carson, "Dr. Franklin developed a prototype of the automobile that combined the power of two horses with a turbine engine that he built in his castle in Philadelphia. It was very similar to today's hybrid car, except his used a lot more hay."
Before anyone objected or responded to his inanity, Carson continued. "President George Washington was so enamored of Franklin's invention, he named Franklin Ambassador to Egypt where he discovered that the true purpose of the ancient pyramids was to store grain and large quantities of lentil soup. That's when Franklin and the Franklin Mint began to put pyramids on the back of one-dollar bills."
A reporter called out, "Dr. Carson, you do realize that everything you just said is all made up and has no basis in fact... don't you?"
Carson closed his eyes, like a serene Buddha and smiled. "Facts are not what we need to get to the truth. There is only one truth and his name is God." He slowly opened his eyes. "Where there is God, there is knowledge and nice clothing."
The reporter pressed on. "Dr. Carson, how do you respond to allegations that you lied about ever having been offered a scholarship to West Point?"
"I may have fabricated part of that anecdote, but since I don't sell fabric we'll never know," chuckled Carson. "What I do remember is a dinner I had with General William Westmoreland in 1969, and that he told me I could go to West Point once I finished a top-secret mission near Saigon. The plan was to put me and another spy in a zebra suit loaded with explosives and when approached by Charlie...not sure if it was Charlie Sheen from that "Platoon" movie... we were supposed to detonate the explosives."
"You were never in Vietnam, Dr. Carson."
"Yes, that's true. I was on my way
to Vietnam in a rowboat when the winds changed and I almost drowned, leaving me in a boat with an orangutan, a hyena and a Bengal tiger."
"That was The Life of Pi
, sir. It's fiction."
"One mans's fiction is another man's non-fiction," Carson offered. "Who is to say what God's plan his for me? I only know that the tiger didn't eat me. And good thing he didn't because I don't taste like chicken!"
Carson laughed heartily then turned his attention to a young woman who was next in line, holding his book against her chest.
"Hello dear, how do you want me to sign it?"
The girl blushed. "Gosh, just your autograph would be fine, Dr. Carson."
Carson lifted his pen. "I think I can do more than that. What's your name?"
Carson began to sign, and spoke as he wrote: "To Susan Offerman: May you always walk with God unless you're in a wheelchair. May your future be brighter than young Thomas Jefferson, the inventor of the pushup brassiere." Best regards, Ben."