Heaven: Low On Virgins?
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ISIS: Recent studies have shown that for every three virgins lost, we lose one recruit.
With so many martyrs, the lack of virgins threatens ISIS.
Moshe Abdullah Benson, Assistant Vice President of Heavenly Acquisitions, in a recent memo obtained by this reporter, warns of a '"dangerous lack of virgins due to the actions of ISIS and other terrorist Islamic groups."
The Benson Memo goes on to describe a dire scenario where terrorists might find themselves receiving " only three or four virgins apiece, instead of the oft-promised seventy."
"The recent events in Paris have made it nearly impossible to provide all the virgins that our martyrs have earned. This could really blow up in our faces after our faces are blown up. If current suicide missions continue at the present rate, we may need to enlist the help of 'near virgins' such as abstinent Christian girls who've only taken the pee-pee up the bummy-boo."
Word of the Benson Memo has spread quickly through social media sites and has gotten the attention of many in ISIS leadership roles.
"This news is saddening," moaned Khalif "Boom Boom" Abracadabra, ISIS's Assistant Liaison for Paradise Affairs. The 'virgin thing' historically has been our most important recruiting tool. Recent studies have shown that for every three virgins lost, we lose one recruit. It's a numbers game now. You can see how sustaining our movement is in great jeopardy."
When I asked Abracadabra if there were any plans in the works to ask self-exploding Muslim men to accept a smaller giggle of virgins for their endeavors, the gentle Abracadabra smiled.
"Seventy is the traditional number, but the holy Koran is not entirely clear about this matter. We could reduce the number of virgins per martyr and, between you and me, seventy does seem a bit excessive. And that's why we'll be unveiling a new campaign next year called "Eight is Enough!"
News of the impending virgin shortage has hit hard at the ISIS Recruiting Center in Mosul, Iraq. The Center's director Mohammed al-Gebra sat down with me on the floor to discuss his concerns.
"Many of our Iraqi and Syrian recruits, most of them virgin themselves, are not going to like this," al Gebra explained. A few of our more effective videos show new recruits being surrounded by scores of chaste young women, dancing and clapping and singing and rubbing hummus on their feet. There is an implicit understanding that once you die for our cause, you can cash in on some prime vajayjay."
He leaned forward and smiled. "But for our American recruits, this lack of virgins will have little effect. Heaven for them is playing Mortal Combat X. Even if they received one virgin, they would have no idea what to do with her."
Phil Lebovits, Political Satirist: 2016 is going to be the most interesting political year since 1876, maybe even better than Tilden v. Hayes. I can't wait to dump on Trump, kick Bush in the tush, shout boos at Cruz and f**k with Huck...abee. Here's to a wonderful year of witty prose, satirical musings and good pie. Cheers! P.S. Tilden was robbed! (more...)