The Independent

Me Me Me Love

Donald Trump
Donald Trump
Donald Trump
Donald John Trump, Sr., born June 14, 1946, is an American business magnate, investor, television personality, author, and 2016 US Presidential candidate. | Donald Trump, Investor, Presidential Candidate, Money, Real Estate, Hair, Personality, Wealth, Tie, Smile,

I'm so big I can't believe it.

He must stand before a full-length mirror and say to himself out loud, “God I’m gorgeous.”

As he sits on the toilet he tells himself, “I’m not like other men. I’m better.”

Donald Trump is kind of like the hula hoop and the Davy Crockett cap and later the cabbage patch doll, children’s toys that became so popular they became a fad and took on a life of their own, causing a stampede of TV watching enthusiasts to buy into the phenomenon.

I can do no wrong he tells himself. If I called you a two-bit egg-sucking (obscenity deleted but it’s something sexual you would do to your mother), you’d still vote for me. I don’t have any prior experience in government or the system and I don’t need any. That’s why they’re voting for me. No experience is necessary.

Veterans, veterans love me. I’m a veteran, of a military school for privileged boys. We marched and did things like in the military, like make our beds. That’s why veterans who fought the wars while I made money at home love me.

In fact if I wasn’t brilliant, if I wasn’t a gift to the world, how could I make so much money? You don’t have money. You’re a loser. Money is everything. The sole determinant of a person’s value is the size of their wallet, not the content of their heart or the quality of their character like that Martin Luther King said. He’s a loser. He got assassinated.

John McCain, he got captured. He’s a loser.

I’m so big I’m the only one who could literally tell God to his face, “You’re fired!”

How big am I? I’m bigger than anybody you’ve ever seen? I’m so big even I can’t believe it. I’m even bigger than Ronald Reagan.

How big am I? I’m called “The Donald,” that’s like Caesar being called “Caesar,” they didn’t call him Julius. Are you called “The Dave?” Are you called “The Roy?” No! Only I am called “The Donald.” That’s how big I am. You can’t get any bigger than that.

Blacks and women, they should know their place. In 1991 I said blacks were inherently lazy and if the truth be known I consider them to be the N word. Oh to hell with it, you know, darkies. They like me and they’ll vote for me anyway even though I said they have an (entitlement) advantage because of their skin color.

Black guys counting my money I hate it (actual quote). I want short guys with yarmulkes (Jews) counting it.

Women, I cherish women, unless you’re an ugly woman or a fat woman, then you’re a pig. Like Bette Midler. She’s extremely unattractive.

I told Hillary when to go to the bathroom. She can’t even (sexually) satisfy her husband (actual quote) so how can she satisfy the country?

Women find my power as attractive as my money (actual quote equating women as brainless gold diggers).

Back to Hillary, she got “schlonged,” translated means dicked, in 2008 versus Obama. This indicates that I consider rape to be a natural occurrence between men and women and in fact I came right out and said that women serving in the military shouldn’t be surprised if they get raped, because what else happens when you put men and women together?

Romantic love. That’s for losers. Why court something politely that you can take by force of personality?

I’m beyond big. I’m a monolith. If I shot you point blank in the face or took a dump in your mouth, you’d still vote for me. World leaders? Here’s what I think of them. The British Prime Minister Cameron, a suspect pansy woos whose has skin is so white it practically glows in the dark. Most British men are homosexuals.

The French president, a loser, all he’s good for is cooking pate de foie gras (fattened goose liver).

The Chancellor of Germany Angel Merkel, a short dumpy blonde who looks like the librarian at your high school that you made fun of behind her back because she never had sex.

World leaders? They’re losers, compared to me, I’ve got more money than some countries have. You can’t be a winner in America unless you’ve got a pile of money bigger than Mount Everest.

If I wasn’t myself, I would marry myself, because I’m the only one who is good enough for me.

After I’m elected president, there will be statues of me all over the country. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if people made pilgrimages to these statues and prayed to these statues.

What will I think when I’m sitting there in the Oval Office of the White House looking at pictures of Washington and Lincoln? What a couple of pikers. Lincoln was an ugly ape who could never look good on TV like I do and Washington was some loser with wooden teeth who won the Revolutionary War by accident.

What’s to keep me from winning, just a couple Cuban immigrants whose parents came here to rip off the system and who aren’t even eligible to run, a couple worthless bastards just like immigrant Mexican rapists who come here.

Muslims? We won’t even mention them. They’re history.

I’m big. I’m so big. I’m so big you can’t believe it.

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Updated May 6, 2017 5:51 AM EDT | More details

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