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Mobsters Threaten Isis

Jackie Jennings
Non-staff Guest Writer

I'll make em sorry their mother ever met their father



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The murderer of 50 Americans in Orlando, Florida: Omar Mateen, 29, was a US-born citizen whose parents were from Afghanistan. He claimed allegiance to the Islamic State in a 911 call he made at the time of the attack, law enforcement officials said. He lived in Fort Pierce, Fla. Court records indicate he was married and divorced. The F.B.I. investigated Mr. Mateen for possible terrorist ties in 2013 and 2014 but did not believe him to be a threat. The 2014 investigation centered on a possible link between Mr. Mateen and Moner Mohammad Abusalha, an American from Florida who became a suicide bomber for an extremist group in Syria. | Related: terrorist, Muslim, ISIS.

On the cover:

Mobsters
Watch out, ISIS. Here comes Very Little Carlo, Fat Ang, Tummy Ache Sal, Nick at Nite Nunzio and The Slut.

Don't Make Us Get Out of Our Plastic Lawn Chairs

Giovanni Gambino

Giovanni Gambino, son of famed mobster John Gambino, has issued a warning to ISIS: Don’t mess with the US. | Giovanni Gambino, John Gambino, Mob, Mafia, Gang, Old, Gangster, Senior, Chair, Lawn Chair,

Don't Make Us Get Out of Our Plastic Lawn Chairs

Jackie Jennings
Non-staff Guest Writer

96.9K

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[Comments] I spoke to Gambino as he slouched in a white plastic lawn chair in the driveway of his New Jersey home. Gambino elaborated on the statement between mouthfuls of his Aunt Linda’s gabagool and hot pepper sub. “All my kids know, when I’m in my chair, in the driveway, listening to old Mets games, do NOT bother me. But these assholes – look, if those clowns make me get out of my f***** lawn chair, they will regret it.”

When asked specifically how he would prevent a terrorist attack Gambino said, “Ashpet, come on sweetheart, don’t ask me about my business.” I reminded him that he was the one issuing a statement and he relented. “I’ll send Little Big Tony, Joey Mercedes and Spanish Steve over to their houses with a little message from the greater New York area.” Gambino then offered me a large plate of baked ziti and would not continue the meeting until I had eaten two full plates.

“Look, I haven’t gotten out of this lawn chair since the day I turned 40. It’s like one day I was a healthy young man and the next day all I wanted was sit here in this plastic chair,” Gambino mused. “Something about a plastic lawn chair calls to every aging Italian man – but I will get up out of this chair and I will hunt down any mope who threatens this great country.”


Mobsters

Watch out, ISIS. Here comes Very Little Carlo, Fat Ang, Tummy Ache Sal, Nick at Nite Nunzio and The Slut. | Giovanni Gambino, John Gambino, Mob, Mafia, Gang, Old, Gangster, Senior, Chair, Lawn Chair, Bench, Isis, Very Little Carlo, Fat Ang, Tummy Ache Sal, Nick At Nite Nuncio, The Slut,




When asked if he would even be willing to miss his weekly bocce game at the Forum Club, Gambino showed resolve. “Angelo deSimone hosts a beautiful game every Sunday – Stinky Carlo brings a tray a eggplant parm, No-Nickname Christopher brings wine he makes in his garage. And, so help me God, if we hear of one of these ISIS sons of bitches is planning something, every single one of us would abandon the bocce court and take them for a little drive.”


The Spread

The spread at bocce night – Gambino would miss THIS to fight ISIS. | Food, Meal, Vegetables, Egg Plant, Italian,




Gambino then took me on a tour of the miniature Greyhound rescue he constructed in his back yard last summer. When we were finished he presented me with a plastic Shop-Rite bag full of food to take home including 3 beefsteak tomatoes Gambino had grown in his small greenhouse.

“Remember, you tell ISIS,” Gambino yelled from his chair as I pulled out of his driveway, “I’ll make em sorry their mother ever met their father. God bless you, you’re a sweet, Irish girl! I’ll pray to St. Christopher for you.” Gambino continued to yell various blessings at me as I slowly left his cul du sac. Watch out, ISIS.

Jackie Jennings - Staff writer/actor whose work has appeared on SyFy.com, Fusion and Funny or Die. She performs with GOAT at the UCB Theater. Follow her on Twitter @ohhijackie or in real life if you're a peeper 'n' a creeper.


Jackie Jennings

Jackie Jennings, Non-staff Guest Writer: AND Magazine enjoys the occasional guest writer, anonymous contributor, uncategorized submission or web reprint. Moreover, did you know that "Lorem Ipsum" is simply dummy text of the printing and typesetting industry. Lorem Ipsum has been the industry's standard dummy text ever since the 1500s, when an unknown printer took a galley of type and scrambled it to make a type specimen book. It has survived not only five centuries, but also the leap into electronic typesetting, remaining essentially... (more...)