I spoke to Gambino as he slouched in a white plastic lawn chair in the driveway of his New Jersey home. Gambino elaborated on the statement between mouthfuls of his Aunt Linda’s gabagool and hot pepper sub. “All my kids know, when I’m in my chair, in the driveway, listening to old Mets games, do NOT bother me. But these assholes – look, if those clowns make me get out of my f***** lawn chair, they will regret it.”
When asked specifically how he would prevent a terrorist attack Gambino said, “Ashpet, come on sweetheart, don’t ask me about my business.” I reminded him that he was the one issuing a statement and he relented. “I’ll send Little Big Tony, Joey Mercedes and Spanish Steve over to their houses with a little message from the greater New York area.” Gambino then offered me a large plate of baked ziti and would not continue the meeting until I had eaten two full plates.
“Look, I haven’t gotten out of this lawn chair since the day I turned 40. It’s like one day I was a healthy young man and the next day all I wanted was sit here in this plastic chair,” Gambino mused. “Something about a plastic lawn chair calls to every aging Italian man – but I will get up out of this chair and I will hunt down any mope who threatens this great country.”
When asked if he would even be willing to miss his weekly bocce game at the Forum Club, Gambino showed resolve. “Angelo deSimone hosts a beautiful game every Sunday – Stinky Carlo brings a tray a eggplant parm, No-Nickname Christopher brings wine he makes in his garage. And, so help me God, if we hear of one of these ISIS sons of bitches is planning something, every single one of us would abandon the bocce court and take them for a little drive.”
Gambino then took me on a tour of the miniature Greyhound rescue he constructed in his back yard last summer. When we were finished he presented me with a plastic Shop-Rite bag full of food to take home including 3 beefsteak tomatoes Gambino had grown in his small greenhouse.
“Remember, you tell ISIS,” Gambino yelled from his chair as I pulled out of his driveway, “I’ll make em sorry their mother ever met their father. God bless you, you’re a sweet, Irish girl! I’ll pray to St. Christopher for you.” Gambino continued to yell various blessings at me as I slowly left his cul du sac. Watch out, ISIS.
Jackie Jennings - Staff writer/actor whose work has appeared on SyFy.com, Fusion and Funny or Die. She performs with GOAT at the UCB Theater. Follow her on Twitter @ohhijackie or in real life if you're a peeper 'n' a creeper.