Forget Christie or Gingrich. Trump's list has shrunk to two.
That grinding sound you may be hearing lately coming from the news airwaves is the sound of the rumor mill at full tilt. Presumptive GOP presidential nominee/Tourette Syndrome sufferer Donald Trump may be days away from selecting his vice-presidential pick.
Forget Christie or Gingrich or the other usual suspects. Trump campaign advisor Ralph Dickley believes that the VP list has been winnowed down to two: Satan and a kitchen sponge.
"Listen," Dickley implored, "most of you media types know that Mr. Trump isn't going to make a traditional pick. This entire campaign has been anything but traditional. So don't be surprised if Satan or the sponge get the nod."
Reaction to the news was swift and unbridled.
"Satan?" roared failed presidential candidate and failed Weight Watchers client Mike Huckabee. "Last time I checked, we're a Christian nation that adamantly rejects the Angel of the Bottomless Pit, the Usurper, the Son of Perdition... and I'm not talking about Donald here. Satan has no place in our politics or in our churches! As for the sponge, I'll need to do my homework before commenting."
"Oh heck," piped Reince Priebus, Republican National Committee chairman and spellcheck nightmare, "people need to calm the f**k down! As of now, no decision has been made. And I assure you, if the VP choice is
Satan, the delegates at the convention will have their say-so. As for the sponge, while an unusual choice, inanimate objects often make good running mates. One need look no further than 2012 and Paul Ryan."
While the sponge could not be reached for comment, it did refer us to Edna Squat, a housewife in Missoula, Montana.
"Sponge? Oh my Lord! he would make a wonderful vice president!" Mrs. Squat exclaimed! "He's a hard worker and never complains when I turn him over on his scrubby side so he can get at that dried spaghetti sauce on my casserole dish. I can only imagine how he'll clean up that mess in Washington!"
On the campaign trail in Salem, Oregon, Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders held his fire. "Let me tell you something," he intoned before a large and enthusiastic crowd, "Mr. Trump has the prerogative to choose anyone or anything he wants to. A Trump/Satan ticket may sound ludicrous, but it's not as ludicrous as building a 30-foot wall or giving the One-Percent a tax cut. In fact, with Satan on the ticket, maybe Mr. Trump will tone down his outrageous rhetoric. As for the sponge, I have yet to make a determination."
At a fundraiser last night, Hillary Clinton shrugged off assertions that she, too, was courting Satan as a possible choice. "Let me assure you, Satan has never and will never be on my list. America needs a strong and effective vice president, someone I can work closely with and not fear that my soul will be corrupted or that at any moment, Armageddon will reign down. We already had that with Dick Cheney. As for the sponge, who the heck knows?"
When reached for comment, Satan shook his horny head and pointed his pitchfork in the direction of his new press secretary, Carly Fiorina.