In her first act following Senate confirmation, newly anointed Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos is proposing a new educational reform called "23 Skidoo," a plan that would gradually eliminate three letters from the current English alphabet.
"The world today is changing at such a rapid pace, what with these fast computers and cassettes and Dymo Label Makers. But one thing that hasn't kept pace is our alphabet. Many people may not be aware of it, but we currently have 26 letters. I think that's a bit much. With our 23 Skidoo plan, we propose that three letters be permanently removed. At the moment, we're looking at K, Y, and Q."
DeVos went on to explain her reasoning. "Giving our kids so many letters to know slows down learning. I believe the Hebrew alphabet has only 22 letters and look at how well those Jews do! And I think we can all agree that 'Q' is a nuisance. If you're queer now, under my plan, you'd be C-W-E-E-R. No biggee. And if you are C-W-E-E-R, might I suggest conversion therapy?"
Blowback from teachers' unions and Washington insiders was immediate. "What about Martin Luther King?" bellowed Kamala Harris (D-CA) on the Senate floor. "Under the Secretary's plan, he'd be Martin Luther C-I-N-G. That's just crazy talk!"
"Not so fast," declared Attorney General Jeff Sessions. "It may sound like a radical idea but there's some merit to it. Those of us who once were affiliated with the K-K-K could now comfortably say, "We've changed. We no longer support the goals of the C-C-C."
Ken Quigley, a spokesperson at Merriam-Webster,™ could hardly contain his wrath. "Stupid idea. What, now I'm going to sign my name C-E-N C-W-I-G-L-E-E? Can you imagine the chaos this will cause?"
DeVos poo-pooed much of the criticism. "Now before everybody gets their panties in a bunch, let's take a deep breath and imagine our alphabet without a 'Y.' For Pete's sake, it's not even a full-time letter! It's always "and sometimes 'Y.' We don't need a letter that can't commit to our alphabet. Perhaps 'Y' should be the first letter to go."
The response from the makers of Yoplait™ was swift and harsh. A statement from the company reads in part: "Yoplait make yogurt, not 'ogurt.' Mrs. DeVos's misguided attack on the yogurt industry would mean rapidly declining sales and massive layoffs. We hope she will reconsider this ill-advised move."
(Note: The reaction to 23 Skidoo at K-Y Jelly™ headquarters was beyond furious and filled with expletives. Therefore, we cannot print it.)
Overseas, reaction was even more strident. "What the F-U-C-K is Mrs. DeVos thinking?" screamed Nigel Beef On-Weck, editor in chief at the Times of London. "Or should I say 'F-U-C-C?' Is the Queen of England to become the C-W-E-E-N of England? Over my dead body. The alphabet is the foundation of our English language. It is immutable. It must never change."
The battle against 23 Skidoo is certain to rage on for months. But in the midst of all this haranguing and finger-pointing, one voice must be heard; the voice of the man who wrote the lyrics to "The Alphabet Song," 93-year-old Calvin Gurf of Utica, NY.
"Goddamn motherfuckers haven't paid me a penny for my work," cried Mr. Gurf as he lay in his iron lung. "I spent weeks coming up with those lyrics!"
Mr. Gurf took a deep breath and began to sing softly. "A-B-C-D-E-F-G... H-I-J-K... well, you know the rest. It's a f*cking classic."
When told of DeVos's plan to eliminate three of his lyrics, Gurf shook his head as best he could. "What's this world coming to? 'Y' is the best part!"