the gop, & a new 'order'

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Of A Proposed New PAC for of the Rescue of the Elephant

'Elephants and other Elephantidae were once classified with other thick-skinned animals in a now invalid order, Pachydermata.'

In keeping with science's acknowledgement of such an error and in contradistinction with George the First of Bush's naked and non-contextual appropriation of the credo emblazoned on our national seal -- novus ordo seclorum -- a PAC is hereby proposed for the sole and rather obviously pressing purpose of rescuing this noble beast, the largest and most intelligent terrestrial beast currently walking the Earth from similar inapt appropriation.

As evidence for this action's necessity, three exhibits are introduced into evidence in the so-called court of public opinion. This evidence is hereby proffered:

First, this exhibit will be labeled 'What Bear Bryant Would Have Done', and it is founded upon the irrefutable proposition that the late great Coach Bryant was, if anything, pragmatic and, likely, humane. After all, he (albeit fictionally) was famously depicted as having embraced the inevitability of the equally fictional Forrest Gump's inspirational qualities: 'Stupid is as stupid does'. While a man of his time and place, Bryant is said to have for years sought to recruit African-American players to his football team at a time when the alternative team nickname was the Crimson Tide, perhaps a precursor of Alabama's future 'red state' status. Hence, it is argued that were he alive today he likely would be joining in the formation of this PAC aimed at the rescue of the noble elephant from the clutches of ignorance.

Secondly, inasmuch as it has been recently shown via a valid statistical poll of putative GOP members that approximately 53 percent of this party's membership could not say just what those three letters denoted, leading, among other reasons, to an internal memo reportedly being issued at the 'Wall Street Journal' detailing that 'the term GOP will be dropped because not all readers know what the letters mean, and some may not realize that they are a reference to the Republican Party'.

This particular species of creature, renowned for its prodigious and lasting memory, therefore, ipso facto, cannot remain what is has been, the mascot of this once grand party (of Lincoln) since 1874.

Third, and finally, inasmuch as science, the very bastion of objectivism, has seen fit to make such a change, recognizing that the elephant had been placed within a, now, invalid order of thick-skinned beings, it is argued as patently obvious that its utilization as the very symbol for this particular party's extant manifestation as some mad hatter's tea party is equally invalid.

So, then, it may be posited that the fictional yet relevant Mr. Gump might, now, in 2011-2012 at least, be heard to himself to shout: 'Run, elephant, run... from this forest of thin-skinned fools!'

Sources: Wikipedia,

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Updated Jan 2, 2019 12:29 PM EST | More details


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