Wildstein I Think I Luv U

Chris Christie
Chris Christie
Chris Christie at a press conference apologizing for the scandal January 9, 2014. Christopher James "Chris" Christie, born September 6, 1962, is an American attorney and politician. He is the 55th Governor of New Jersey and a leading member of the Republican Party. | Photo: Jeff Zelevansky | Chris Christie, Governor, New Jersey, Republican, Attorney, Overweight, Leader,

or, The Battle of Trenton, Part Deux

In December of 1776, the Battle of Trenton was fought during the American Revolution between the Continental Army and mercenaries after that patriotic force was defeated in New York and was forced to retreat through New Jersey. A bridge not being, ahem, available for a proper and timely crossing, Washington, in defense of the Homeland's Security, crosses the river, nevertheless, intent upon surprising those who the enemies of the republic pay to fight that democracy.

We interrupt this lesson in democratic history to bring you this important message.

Sound engineer, please cue the Troggs classic tune; thank you, that's right, with the revised lyrics, we don't want to receive some, ahem, subpoena--no, not penis, just play it.

"Wildstein, you say you're ready to sing,
you want to make everything groovy,

Wildstein, your New Jersey thinks it loves you,
but, we wanna know for sure,
Come on, tell it right, we'll love you.

Wildstein, you'll make everything truthy,
Wildstein, we'll think you're loveable.
Wildstein, we think you move us,
but we wanna know for sure,
So, come on, tell it right, then you're pardonable.

Wildstein, make your mouth sing,
you'll tell everything smoothly,
So, come on Wildstein, move us,
we'll check it, Wildstein, before we love you.

We now return you to your regular programming, already in regress.

In light of this little restaging of that crucial moment in the young republic's life, ask yourselves: 'What would Tony Soprano have done?' Why him, you may ask; well, we loved him, too.

Yes, he appealed to that fundamentally American ideal, restated in the last century by one Al Capone: "You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than with a kind word alone."

While Mr. Soprano would have agreed, he would have wondered aloud as to why and how the kind word never seemed to be uttered in this soon-to-be major mob-like shakedown of an entire Port Authority's workings, an entity created in 1921, just about the time the New York born Mr. Capone was creating his 'authority'.

So, then, as we watch this shabby third-rate burgling of the burgh of Ft. Lee and its umbilical-like busiest bridge in the world, let us recall the brave ordinary citizen soldiers who followed Washington as he successfully expelled those who, for the mere gain of monetary compensation, did seek to put down a rebellion whose only aim was democratic replacement of kingship.

Oh, and, yes, Wildstein, useful idiot of that mercenary band of thugs loyal to a certain wannabe King of America, you'll now be America's useful idiotic zealot, one we love, just as much as those Troggs 'loved' what you represent.

Comment on Facebook

Updated Jan 2, 2019 12:28 PM EST | More details


©2019 AND Magazine

This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed without express written permission from AND Magazine corporate offices. All rights reserved.